MINIPROMPT! The Trend Sweeping the {Hiber-NATION}: This Winter’s MUST HAVE

Imagine that you’re the writing talent, hired to write copy for an infomercial, selling this year’s must-have product for any hibernating animal. Pitch us on the hot new item that everyone is clamoring for this hibernation season. 

Sarah Razner

Hibernation nation! Tired of waking up from your winter nap with your haunches and hump aching long into spring? Want to make your den feel a little less like a cave and more like a cloud? HiberGreat has the solution for you: the Den Damper! Made completely of organic materials, the Den Damper puts a layer of comfort between you and the ground, substituting dirt and stone for a combination of cotton, broken down forest fibers, and the finest silk woven by your local silkworms. You’ll hibernate peacefully with the knowledge that your fore and hind legs will be perfectly cushioned by your Den Damper, and you’ll be ready to hit the forest running before the frost even clears. Pick up your Den Damper at your nearest WoodGreens today and receive a discount on your hibernation binge!

Jesse Stone

Are you a hibernating animal looking for ways to shed that unwanted wintry weight come spring? Well I’m Billy Blanks, creator of that personal fitness phenomenon, Tae-Bo, here to announce my newest fitness program: Hi-Bo. Hi-Bo—short for Hibernation-Bo—is the first and only fitness routine developed to target the specific needs of high BMI bears, rabbits, squirrels, and badgers. I created Hi-Bo while sleeping in an abandoned muskrat den after I lost everything in a failed venture with Suzanne Somers (R.I.P. Tae-Master™). If you are wondering, “does Hi-Bo really work?” Ask yourself, would I be in this abandoned muskrat den right now doing hammer curls if it didn’t?

So hurry now—for a limited time only the complete Hi-Bo fitness routine is available on 37 DVDs (or 86 VHS tapes) for the discounted price of four-and-a-half installments of $99.99.

Jay Heltzer

Tired of waking up from your hibernation on an empty stomach and now you gotta go hunt something faster than you? Emerging from your winter slumber and there’s nothing to eat except pine cones and discarded carob chips from disgruntled hikers?

Your fast-breaking worries are over thanks to the new Hunter Catcher Hiber-Snacker!

Using futuristic-sounding technology combined with the irascible culinary dedication of a forest-based Gordon Ramsay, the Hunter Catcher Hiber-Snacker traps rodents, mammals, or reptiles of all sizes (up to a large dog), and slow-cooks them into a meal, timed up to the second when you emerge from seasonal sleep.

Groggy, cranky, energy-depleted hunting is a thing of the past. Set your empty stomach up for success with the Hunter Catcher Hiber Snacker TODAY!

Josh Bard

Hibernating is a pastime of a past time. These days there’s never the right moment to hibernate, with a globalized world moving at 17 times the speed it was when you were a kid. Now you go to sleep for four months and you wake up a year of content behind. How will you know what the new memes are or what #PeakTV you missed. Will Pete Davidson still be dating Kim Kardashian by the time winter is over? Is Wordle still a thing? Who will be cancelled and who will be very important (for a few minutes)? One good sleep can put you behind your peers forever. But now there’s Internet Hibernation Digest, a record of what matters or mattered each day of your winter slumber. Delivered to your inbox daily, you’ll get the news you needed so you won’t be lost at the first dinner party of the spring. Click the like button to subscribe and please leave a five star review!

Mr. Joe Walker

Have you grown tired of sweating under your cumbersome flannel comforter all winter long? Is a fuzzy, fleece throw blanket way too fuzzy and fleecy for your liking? Does your heated blanket fail to produce the warmth of fresh baked coffee cake dunked in Sleepytime Tea?

Then you need UR-IN-NATION!

UR-IN-NATION’s patented design allows you to heat your body, and your bed, with an adjustable amount of self-produced organic warming liquid called UR-OHN JOOZ that spreads evenly across your sleep diameter. You will be surrounded by the soothing sensation you deserve while sleeping away the winter without a moment’s chill.

For just five easy payments of $9.99, you’ll be hibernating unconsciously like a rock star!

So, what are you waiting for? Join the millions already sleeping away the winter blissfully in UR-OHN JOOZ. Order UR-IN-NATION today!

We are… a part of… a UR-IN-NATION!

Do you have an idea for a hibernation product? Pitch it to us on Twitter over at @thepromptmag!