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Elon Musk spent $44 billion to purchase Twitter, and in the past week, has already done more to flush it down the sewage pipes than any of us thought possible. Given his “magic touch” on one of The Prompt community’s favorite platforms, what would you want the wealthiest person alive to buy next? 

Jay Heltzer

Breaking News – Elon Musk purchases hatred

In an emotional coup d’etat, Elon Musk has set the world afire with another unprecedented purchase. The plug-in car mogul has spent over eleventy gerjillion dollars (that’s eleventy followed by eleventy zeros, folks) to purchase and acquire ownership of every negative thought in the world. As part of his scheme to monopolize every human on the planet, the ridicu-rich space cowboy himself has invested in the emotional spectrum, starting with the worst of the worst. Based on recent success with his acquisition of the original online home of hate, Twitter, investors and financial experts predict Musk will undoubtedly put the Hell back in “Hello” as he knocks on your door to manage how you despise something, someone, ANYONE currently living their best life in our otherwise-happy world.

Kevin Shea

Elon Musk buys NASCAR for $10,000. You may remember years ago when NASCAR was popular and sold out race tracks around the country. People have finally come to their senses and realized it is very boring watching 40 men drive in a circle (or oval) for 3 hours. Musk announced the following rule changes effective immediately:

  1.  No more yellow flags. If there is an accident or debris on the track the other drivers need to drive carefully until it is cleared.
  2. Smoke bombs. All drivers will have 4 smoke bombs in their car to use at anytime during the race.
  3. Racing direction. The first half of the race will be run with the drivers making all left turns. Once a driver reaches the halfway point they will make an immediate U turn and will have all right turns until the finish.
  4. Two Guest drivers per pace. A random draw of ticket holders will be held the night before the race. The two winners will start the race in the first two positions on the grid.

These changes are expected to boost attendance and raise TV ratings as well.

Devin Householder

Seeing a historic buyers market opportunity this week, billionaire Elon Musk entered into an agreement to purchase the Republican Party from George Siros and Peter Thiel. After a chaotic midterm election, Musk vowed to bring stability back to a GOP in turmoil. Newly appointed RNC Director of Communications Kanye West released a brief statement, vowing to “Go Deathcon Five on Arizona and Nevada.” At 5:00 P.M. today, 137 underperforming Republican congressmen were locked out of their accounts and advised they no longer represented their districts, via fake tweet.

Josh Bard

Genius, wonderboy, and outside-the-box thinker Elon Musk has done it again! Just when you people questioned his ability to still come up with cutting edge business ideas, Elon Musk went and changed the game for the umpteenth time. His newest acquisition, a savvy value play with growth opportunity, capitalizes on a classic “buy low” strategy. And what will the haters say now, about the brilliant Musk, as he’s purchased a majority share in a once blue-chipper at an all time low price?

Congratulations to the ingenious Elon Musk, for purchasing a controlling share in Elon Musk!

Sarah Razner

Just when you think Elon Musk is done with mega-dollar acquisitions, the man has surprised the world—and possibly his common sense—once again with his purchase of the United States gun lobby.

The move was met with praise and excitement by those in the lobby, who believed that the purchase would go a long way in expanding the scope of the Second Amendment. However, Musk’s quick slashing of lobbyist jobs led to a deficit in Congressional campaign coffers, and gun control advocates to champion a series of reforms across the country.

Learning from the Twitter Blue fiasco, Musk also rolled out a new verification process for lobbyists and weapons purchases akin to a universal background check.

“What the hell just happened?” The NRA tweeted from its official account (although many assumed it was a parody account). Musk retweeted the sentiment after losing nearly all his investment. Of little care to Musk is his Nobel Peace Prize nomination for helping to substantially lower gun violence.

Jillian Conochan

Rather than flat-out buy Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, a debilitating genetic disorder characterized by progressive muscle deterioration, Elon Musk tweeted a big number at the disease, then tried negotiating it down.

“Elon, honey,” I sent via DM. “I have a better idea. Why don’t you just contribute to my boxing marathon raising funds for a JAR of Hope?”

November 14, 2022, 3:26 A.M. · Seen

I persisted. “In December, I’m going 26 rounds to raise money so a 12-year old boy in our community can get onto a significant clinical trial. Thank you in advance for your donation to knockout DMD.”

Anyone else inspired by Elon’s charitable act, I’m accepting donations in increments of $5. (Venmo @jillakiss)

Keven Balderas

Having bought dozens of companies and seen them all collapse in utter financial ruin, Elon Musk sat brooding on his sofa. He looked out at the sunset, while his mind sifted through ideas of what to buy next.

“Maybe,” he said to himself, “I shouldn’t devote any portion of my insane wealth to putting the talents, lives and pensions of thousands of people into the palm of my mortal hand… nah.”

With this, he betook himself to Walmart, believing a common purchase of the common person, such as a bike helmet, would help him tap into his inner Consumerist.

“Ah, one of these will do,” he mumbled as a stack of blenders caught his eye. Much to the universe’s disappointment, it did not make him search within, when a Tesla driver speeding by scared him so well that he dropped his new blender on the ground, where it unabashedly shattered into fourteen pieces.

The Prompt Staff

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