{Lamé Duck}: Rock and Royalty Through the Ages

A shimmering example of leadership since biblical times, I maintain that it’s better to burn out than it is to rust.

That’s why I chose to be a lamé duck leader.

My successor has never goosed me, because my influence has built the very fabric of society.

Every society, whether it’s woven with silk, viscose, cotton, or wool, or fabricated with polyester, polyamide, or nylon, is built on my twisted, wiry backbone.

Forget the Iron Curtain, and behold the Metallic Drape.

I’ve been around for a long, long year. Stole many a man’s soul to waste, all after my successors were elected.

I was ‘round to document Assyrian times, cuneiform writings will attest. Thanks to me, the earliest records of Christian worship fetch millions at the major auction houses. Martin Schøyen is indebted to me for boosting the value of his unrivaled palaeographic collection.

Without my shiny gold or silver patterns dancing through the vestments of the Vatican hierarchs, their flock would be lulled to slumber under the frescoes of Michelangelo. Forget separation of church and state, the wealthiest nobles relied on me to underscore their lofty social status.

Gold and silver wires from flattened metal, painstakingly wrapped around threads to create shiny apparel shall always be the “cloth of gold” and the cloth of gods. Glam rock lords of the 1970s enveloped in my glory shall forever influence the timeless style of any recording artist worth her weight in platinum.

Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go.

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

Katya Zamolodchikova is calling.

My presence is requested in the makeup aisle of CVS at 75 Christopher Street.