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Hey honey, I’m so glad you’re home early.

No, no, no, I was just resting for a few and flipping channels, but I’m going to get up soon. My day has been pretty grueling, that’s all. Actually, I’ll probably head outside for a jog in a little bit. I don’t know how to explain it, but running on a brisk and windy day makes me feels even bigger than that metaphor. What’s the point of working at all if you don’t work as hard as you can?

If I don’t go for that run, I am definitely headed to the gym.

My new year’s resolution is really going well. Yeah, I am super committed to it. This one’s going to last, I can just feel it. Lots of positivity pumping through my veins after a good lift session. I’m starting to see the results. And seeing all of those crazy muscular guys at the gym, just ripping and grunting through their workouts? That’s been especially inspiring and welcoming. Yeah, I’m definitely on my way to a breakthrough.

After my workout I would love to make a trip to the grocery store.

I totally recognize that you’ve asked me to do it a few times already this week, but today is the day. I’ve just been so busy, you know, with work and the commute and the holidays. But I’m going to start showing you more initiative. In fact, I think it’s pretty great that our culture has made it more normative for guys to be the ones doing the grocery shopping. 2016 really was a great year for smashing the patriarchy. Plus, those Whole Foods lines really aren’t as bad as everyone says.

When I’m at Whole Foods, don’t let me forget to grab those seitan chicken breasts you made last week. They were delicious! My Chick-Fil-A cravings are a thing of the past. Since you’ve repeatedly pointed out all of the health benefits of giving up meat, not to mention the cruelty free practices of alternative proteins, I haven’t even thought about steak.

And thanks to that shopping list app you downloaded to my phone, I won’t forget any of those ingredients I used to hate. It was absolutely worth deleting Candy Crush and Snapchat. Do you have any idea how good it feels to be liberated from this digital jail cell, and to be so much more productive?

Now I’ll have more time to focus on work, which has so many perks.

My boss seems to notice the little things, so by applying myself more, he’ll have to give me that raise. And look, if not, that’s still fine. It can’t hurt to earn more of Bosely’s respect. Gotta climb that ladder rung by rung, just like everyone else. Like I said earlier, I’ve always found that hard work pays off.

If you’re still up for it when I come back from the run and the gym and the grocery store, let’s go see that new Drew Barrymore film. I know I said I wanted to see Rogue One but I can easily wait for it to get to on-demand in six months. I seriously doubt anyone will spoil the ending now that I’m taking a hiatus from Twitter and Facebook. Besides, I’ve really turned a corner on Drew Barrymore recently. You just never know what you’re gonna get with her movies.

Honey, I’m getting to be a bit late for my run and you know how much I care about sticking to a time frame. And not having enough time for my run would be a big setback on my afternoon. Before I go, I have to tell you how many times during the day I think about you and how much I love you. I’m so glad we made New Years resolutions to be more honest with each other!

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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