How to {Beef}: A Recipe

1. Procure the beef.

Some people prefer an aged beef, something that has been sitting and waiting for the right moment to flame. Others like their beef differently, maybe something fresher or more organic or a thinner cut, easier to sizzle. Many of the choicest cuts come with bones to pick.

Choose the beef that best suits your mood, needs, and hunger.

2. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

3. Season the beef.

If you want to really get this beef working for you, you need to develop its profile. Some of my most delicious beefs have been sitting and stewing for ages. Time is your friend; it can transform the original beef from an uninspiring, bland cut to a tender, deeply fulfilling affair.

For me, salt is key when it’s time to actually beef. The saltier, the more delicious. And don’t forget to pepper the beef with little persnickety peccadillos that are still stuck in your craw!

Other tools for marinating a most excellent beef: rumor and innuendo, perceived slights, imagined neglect, exaggerated snubbery—and if all that hasn’t done enough—a heavy-handed portion of slander.

Remember, this is also the best time to tailor your beef to you! Do you want a spicy beef? Or are you more sour about it? If so, you may need to counteract or perhaps lean into that acidity.

4. Tenderize the beef.

This is a mostly therapeutic step. And very optional! But if you are craving it, pound that motherfucker! Like it owes you money (which it may). Like it insulted your mom or your spouse or your general well-meaning senses. Like it didn’t say “Thank you” after you held the door for it. Or like it didn’t invite you to that dinner party—and you know they know it’s still bothering you— and is still acting like everything is fine.

You’ve wanted to get your hands on this beef for a long time, and this is your big opportunity.

5. FLAME THE BEEF!

The big moment! Your blood is boiling and your brain is melting! If you can’t take this heat, get out of the kitchen! This beef has been waiting, building, and growing. It is Grade-A, primed, and perfectly seasoned. Time to quash it.

Open the journal, Notes App, or email draft where you’ve been filing away thoughts that have turned to hot barbs of fire. Don’t hold back. Escalate, escalate, escalate. Raise the stakes as high as they can go. I like looking for sear marks on the outside and warm red center.

6. Devour the beef.

You worked hard for this, and you should feel good about taking some time to sit back and savor every bite of this experience. It’s easy to get so heated that you forget to appreciate the blood, meat sweats, and tears you put into this process. But enjoying the beef is an important step. If you harbored all that spite, toting it around relentlessly all this time, this is the moment to appreciate how light and buttery it was to have finished the beef.

7. Choose to give up beef altogether.

Be aware that too much beef can be bad for you. Besides creating stress-driven maladies, processing so much beef can dehydrate you. Too much beef clogs arteries, raises your blood pressure, and can lead to heart issues, like you don’t already have too many of those.

Not ready to give up beef yet? Just think back to another time you’ve been slighted, and you’re already back to step one!