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The Kingdom Caller

Over the past month, we’ve received thousands of Letters to the Editor, celebrating the recent marriage between Prince Charming and our lovely, gracious, and beautiful new princess, Cinderella. The vast majority of these letters have been exceedingly positive, as has been reflected in this paper; but, there have been a few letters more critical of the marriage and our coverage. While it pains us to do so, in the name of fairness, we are sharing this letter with our readers, as we feel it is our editorial duty to present both sides.

Long live Prince Charming and Princess Cinderella.


Dear Editor, if that is what you can even call yourself,

After your clearly biased stories on Prince Charming and the Cinder Queen, I’m not sure that The Kingdom Caller should qualify as a trusted news source in this land any longer.

From my point of view, it seems like you are more of a palace parrot than an independent paper.

You may be wondering, who could have this opinion? Who could we have so enraged with our writing? Well, let me tell you. My name is Drizella Tremaine, known in this rag as “the Ugly Stepsister” of Cinderella.

Of the many things I’d like to address with your recent coverage, this is at the top of my list. Where do you get off calling me such a name? I am far from ugly. Actually, my mother tells me that my sister, Anastasia, and I are what they call unconventional beauties, which makes us the most beautiful women in this land and far, far beyond. Hold that in comparison to Cinderella, who is as plain as they come. Yes, when she cleans the soot off her face and throws on a ballgown, there is a sort of sparkle to her, but she is not anything special. And this is not just my opinion. The staff at our manor have told me they feel the exact same way, and they wouldn’t dare lie to me.

Unless there has been some royal decree that we must be called that—and I wouldn’t put it past that bitter Cinder-(REDACTED FOR PROFANITY) to do it—I henceforth request that you stop calling me and my sister that terrible, blasphemous name, otherwise our mother will be filing a lawsuit.

While on the topic of names, why do you call the prince “Prince Charming”? He has the allure of a dead fish, wet blanket, and rabid rat all rolled into one. It would be fitting to call him by his first name, let him have a true identity, but I guess when your birth name is (REDACTED FOR PROFANITY), you probably don’t want that flashed around either. Whoops.

Here are some other things I would like to correct in your reporting.

In three of your stories, you referenced a source from the Royal Guard who described my feet as “giant-like, ghastly appendages that would be too big to use rowboats for shoes let alone a glass slipper.” Do you have any idea the mental anguish that quote has caused me? The names I get called in public, you know, other than Ugly Stepsister? I will have you know that I have a medical condition which enlarges the size of one’s feet by three sizes beyond average, and despite multiple treatments (including an attempt at using a bone saw), this cannot be corrected. Maybe next time you write a story, make sure to counter any outlandish, hurtful statements with facts and explanations.

You have also smeared the reputation of my mother, the regal Lady Tremaine.

You and your colleagues have painted her as neglectful, abusive, and downright evil, when she is anything but. When Cinderella’s father died, my mother allowed Cinderella to stay with us, although she had no obligation to do so. She treated Cinderella with respect, entrusted her with responsibilities of the household because she believed in her so deeply. She gave Cinderella opportunity after opportunity to better herself, and when Cinderella tried to leave the night of the ball in a horrendous gown, my mom would not let her so Cinderella wouldn’t embarrass herself. That’s the caring, generous heart she has, and in your one-sided, biased stories, you completely missed it, misrepresenting her—and us—over and over, settling with speaking with talking mice rather than going straight to the source. You should be ashamed of yourself.

One last thing. You end each of your stories on the royal couple with the same phrase: “They will live happily ever after.” On this I call bull(REDACTED FOR PROFANITY). Cinderella does not deserve to have a happily ever after, not after she turned her back on the family that gave her so much love and support. Did you ever think that she may be the real villain in this and not us? No, because you’ve ensured she’s the hero while we will live the rest of our days out as social pariahs. There will be no happily ever after for us.

With no sincerity,

Drizella Tremaine

Sarah Razner

Sarah Razner is a reporter of real-life Wisconsin by day, and a writer of fictional lives throughout the world by night.

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