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Master Josh, I know you are used to the traditional, normative idea of a Genie but before you start making wishes, you and I need to get a couple points cleared up. Please consider this the fine print.

About a decade ago, someone at the International Genie Law Organizational Order realized we did a lot of great things for some individuals, but many others were left behind. The wishes gap kept growing, and the thought was that we could come together and help level the playing field. More people could have access to some wishes, instead of the wishiest people getting such an overwhelming majority of the wishes.

After a few years of kicking around this political football at International Genie HQ, a delegation carefully reworked our corporate philosophies, and we adopted a Tom’s Shoes business model. So instead of issuing you three all-purpose wishes, we will grant you two wishes, while transferring that third wish to someone who really needs it. If you like, I’d be happy to share some information about the individual who will receive your third wish, for no additional wishes.

“But I…”

Yes, normally this is where the lamp owner doth protest. Of course it was you who slayed the dragon, or survived the journey, braved the harshest of elements, or got lucky at that garage sale. You likely risked everything to bring this lamp into your possession, so why should you have to share the spoils of it?

While we respect the time and risk you may have endured in locating, securing, and operating this lamp, we have found wishers tend to be immediately incredulous and then increasingly understanding, since the rule changes. Often by the time their fortunes are drastically multiplied, that feeling of bamboozlement erodes and waves of appreciation wash over the wisher.

As we implement our new strategy, our general counsel is simultaneously trying to update the library of genie-centric stories to include this new normal. We appreciate your understanding and patience during this transitional time.

Also, ever since Robin Williams’s passing, we don’t do the singing thing anymore… out of respect.

Also also, before we go on, please do not test me with that whole the wishing for more wishes thing. That has never been allowed under international genie law, and any report of its existence is merely urban legend.

Which, and this was the long way around the matter, is why I cannot grant you dinner with Jackie Robinson, Harry Houdini, and Hermione Granger. As I would have to conjure three people, that counts as three wishes, and under the new bylaws, that is not possible.

Regardless, wishes do not expire, so please take your time in finalizing your decision.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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