{Dream Dictionary:} 21st Century Edition

I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, kid. What I do know is we all dream, even those of us who never remember them. Here are a few of the most common dreams and nightmares, and what they may be trying to tell you.

Serpent

Parsel got your tongue? The snake is an ancient symbol that appears in nearly every culture. Resist your first instinct of fear or repulsion, for encountering a snake in your dream indicates you will lead a long and prosperous life.

Being chased

The sensation of pursuit may feel unsettling, especially if your motor functions are limited. But being chased is your subconscious mind working out a problem you’ve been avoiding. You can’t outrun it, so you might as well man up. Your awake and sleeping selves will thank you!

Teeth

For some strange reason, every dream dictionary has a lengthy passage on teeth. Straight teeth, loose teeth, cracked teeth, smack teeth, wooden teeth, Invisalign…

Turns out the first recorded dream analyst moonlighted (daylighted?) as a dentist. This is the only explanation for the inclusion of teeth on lists such as this one.

Literally no one ever has dreamed about teeth.

Flying

Excepting the: nooselike ticketing policies, haggard staff, expensive a la carte fees, illogical baggage protocols, cumbersome security procedures, guillotine-threatening overhead compartments, and what’s-the-opposite-of-ergonomic? seats, flying is a liberating sensation. When you dream of flying, it’s freedom you crave. God bless America, you beautiful sonovabitch.

Being late

There’s an important thing you have to do tomorrow and you set your alarm for P.M. not A.M.; FYL.

La Croix

If you’re sipping from a shimmering can of La Croix in the Land of Nod, you’re in for a treat—and not just in the form of the refreshing taste of a fruit’s ghost that’s La Croix’s signature! The appearance of this statusy sparkling water signifies a change of fortunes in the very near future.

Did you happen to notice what flavor? Pamplemousse is particularly fortuitous.

Flossing (the dance craze)

There are two types of people in this world: Those who have tried to floss (either successfully or unsuccessfully), and those who have tried to floss but are lying about it. If you dream about flossing, you belong to the latter camp. Your subconscience knows!

Flossing (the dental craze)

What’s with you people and teeth?!

Beats by Dr. Dre headphones

Is there a big decision you’re weighing? The appearance of Beats by Dr. Dre headphones in your dream means you should listen to your instincts. Get it, listen?

Dropping your phone

A warning sign. Has someone new come into your life? Proceed with caution. Dreaming about dropping your phone isn’t saying s/he’s a bad person, but it’s not NOT saying it either, you feel me?

Barn Door Hardware

You are on the verge of a making a design choice that will last a minimum of 10 years. Ask yourself: Do I really like [the thing]? Or is it just a fad? Most likely, you’re on the wrong side of the adoption curve and you will hate your selection in less than 2 years. Be very, very careful.

Açaí/Pitaya Bowl

Excessive vanity is what’s preventing you from finding happiness in romantic relationships.

Arthur’s Clenched Fist

Who pissed in your cornflakes? I don’t know, but I hope it wasn’t me, because if you dream about that little brown paw of kinetic energy, that person’s cruisin’ for a bruisin’ once your alarm goes off.

The crock pot from This Is Us

Fear is standing in the way of you and your daytime dreams. What is your greatest fear? Write it down on a 5×5 inch piece of paper, fold it in half twice, and go to sleep holding it in your palm. If you wake up and it’s no longer in your hand, you have been liberated from its shackles. You’re welcome.

Rami Malek

This beautiful chinkara of a human being is a wonderful omen. Only when you get lost in his exotic eyes, do you find your true self.

A pedal tavern

Go back to bed, you’re still drunk.