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“Welcome to the Desperation Zone, bringing you pathetic moments of confusion, regret, sadness, and of course, desperation. I’m Phil Blankenship, joined as always by Ann Kay.”

“Ready for a desperate evening, Phil.”

“Let’s go live to Boston, where Michael Vanderlit is making another questionable decision. Last time we saw Michael, he was hooking up with a woman whose apartment stunk of ferrets.”

“Quite a night as he toughed out the gross scent of her roommate’s ferrets for a few hours of making out. But tonight is different.”

“Tonight, Michael is deep into desperation, as he has found a hook up on Craigslist. Craigslist, of course, sponsor of Desperation Zone. Says here that Michael is calling on a gentleman named Doug?”

“Yes, Phil, that’s right. Now, an exploration of one’s sexuality is certainly not desperation, but the lateness of the hour and method of meeting does have our attention.”

“Michael’s now walking into the house… oh my, those are some huge dogs!”

“I think they’re Dobermans!”

“Tough start, Michael looks very uncomfortable and isn’t a fan of dogs. Doug appears to be locking the dogs up in another room, but you can still really hear them barking. Michael’s left alone in the living room with some porn on the television, but it doesn’t seem like he’s feeling it. From the looks of this dated house, my gut tells me Doug might be living back at home, or house-sitting for grandparents.”

“Irish lace window curtains and plastic covering the dining room carpet and chairs gives it away. Michael’s hookin’ up with a townie.”

“Doug is now back, and we’re into awkward small talk. He appears nervous. What’s their bi-tale of the tape?”

“Doug has one previous bi experience—a drunken hand job from his college roommate. Michael is also a bit of a rookie since becoming single, with two hand jobs and one very awkward blowjob under his belt.”

“Yes, the Beacon Hill BJ, that was something. Back to the action here, things are heating up. Michael and Doug are stroking each other’s cocks. But is anyone actually enjoying themselves?”

“Michael sure isn’t. He doesn’t seem attracted to Doug, and those Dobermans are barking up a storm. As we’ve seen before, pets can be a mood killer.”

“WHOA! Just like that, Doug has seemingly cum out of absolute nowhere!”

“He looked shaky, but I was NOT expecting the quick pop.”

“A pause in the action here as Doug heads to the kitchen to clean himself up. Every premature ejaculation on the Desperation Zone is brought to you by ExxonMobil, fueling your drive to cum and get the fuck out of there.

“Meanwhile, Michael is left with his pants around his ankles, half hard, and still hasn’t orgasmed.”

“A true Desperation Zone alert here, Phil!”

“Michael is deep in thought, trying to understand how he got here, whether he wants to continue, and if he can ignore those dogs and reach climax.”

“Well, it looks like he’s calling it. The pants are back up, and he’s already stammered a quick, awkward goodbye. Michael’s heading for the door, through the dining room, having trouble with his… shoe, oh, wait. Oh my.”

“Phil, is that…?”

“Yes, it is, Ann. It is dog shit. While trying to leave, Michael has somehow stepped in a pile of dog shit in the dining room. It seems those Dobermans were not housebroken.”

“Well, the plastic on the carpet makes a lot more sense now, Phil!”

“Just a total look of dejection on Michael’s face, as things went from bad to gross. I believe he’s taking off the shoe, and heading back to the kitchen for an even more awkward conversation.”

“Bold move here, washing the shoe off right in the kitchen sink. It’s a bit unlike him to be rude like this, but I think Michael is just out of fucks to give. He’s dejected, confused, and just stepped in dog shit.”

“As he’s now exiting the house, carrying the poop shoe, walking to the car with one shoe on and one shoe off.”

“A truly pathetic sight, Phil. One has to wonder about the long term impact on any future desires to explore his bisexuality.”

“Let’s hope not, Ann, as single Michael has given us some great Desperation Zone highlights. As we go to break, let’s take one last look as Michael drives towards home, having a long conversation with himself about his life choices.”

Michael Vanderlit

Michael Vanderlit is not Michael Vanderlit's real name, but he's just as funny as the real guy.

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