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Hi there, Meggie. It’s been a while.

I hope you’ll forgive My calling you that. I know you prefer Margaret, but I’ve known you for so long and it’s hard for Me to let go of childhood nicknames. I know how your entire life plays out, but I can’t quite shake that attachment to the purest and most innocent time of your life.

But I’ll get to My point.

I’m hoping you’ll consider following Me on Instagram.

I’ve noticed lately you seem to be a little lost. And I completely understand. You’re newly 25, that age when your society starts to talk about single women in “that way.” You just landed a great job at a prestigious law firm, but your nights are either spent huddled with Netflix and trying not to think of your rising debt or out at the bars with a few local college friends who you have been feeling like you really have no connection to any longer.

You wake up from sleep almost as tired as when you went to bed, and I understand. But you may have heard a little song about Me: “Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come, follow Me. And I will give you rest.”

I haven’t walked on your Earth for 2,000 years, so I can assure you they’re not actually talking about following Me physically.

Meggie, you have all the makings of a great Instagram influencer.

You’re at the right age group, you have a cute dog, and you have that uncanny knack of tapping into the #zeitgeist in a way that resonates with everyone.  You won’t like Me reminding you of this, but your second freshman year boyfriend was right: you’re cute enough to be attractive but not hot enough to be intimidating. That just means you’re friendly and relatable-looking to lots of people. And though you’ll forget this after I tell you, in three years when you go through a whirlwind marriage and divorce, you’ll have a groundswell of support from people you’ve never met that is just enough to steer you into therapy and away from suicide.

I could make you follow Me. But even aside from the GDPR, ever since the Rainbow I haven’t directly interfered in wordly affairs.

Which is why We need each other more than ever. I can promise to help you shoulder the burdens of society’s ills. In return, all I ask you is to help spread My message. I can’t promise you the heights of stardom like endorsements of a chewy hair vitamin. In fact, many people say I promise them nothing. But they are wrong. I promise to help them reach their potential; it’s up to them to reach it. And that’s why My brand is failing out there, Meggie. No one has time these days for anything but self-fulfilling echo chambers and instant gratification.

In the end, the best of what I have to offer during man’s Earthly years is ideas—and without anyone to share them, on social media or otherwise, they will soon be gone.

Please think about it. You’d take your place among history as the modern Moses, only with fewer stone tablets and more #authentic Margaret.

Always, with you,


Scott Michael

Scott is an ISTJ with an MA, and is usually MIA or AFK IRL. Interrobang him and win a prize.

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