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People are monsters. But what kind of monsters are they? See what kind of monsters your friends are based on their shitty, shitty habits. Bonus: Can’t decide what to dress as for Halloween? See what kind of monster YOU are based on your shitty habits.


Vampires are those assholes you invite into your house, who then drain you of all your resources. They raid your fridge. Loose change isn’t where you swear you left it. They “borrow” possessions you’ll never get back. Sparkly bastards.


We all have that one friend on social media that only ever shares other people’s stuff and never posts anything of their own. It’s like their personality is an amalgamation of everyone else they know stitched together into a disjointed, awkward feed.

“Anyway, here’s ‘Wonderwall’…”

Dr. Frankensteins

These are the friends who read the previous paragraph just so they could remind you that you meant Frankenstein’s Monster, because Frankenstein was the inventor who created him. The know-it-all monsters. The “actual” monsters. The insufferable twits who live for correcting every person they encounter.


These people go to work, go home, and occasionally do mundane chores. Zombies are constantly groaning about how tired they are, how much they have to do, and generally stupid bullshit no one cares about.

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Mummies are just like zombies, but they’re that friend from high school who got caught up in pyramid schemes and pushes it super hard.


Werewolves are pretty chill most of the time, but they have a rather unsavory quirk you’d rather not deal with. Angry outbursts? Spewing poorly informed political nonsense? Fishing for compliments because they just want attention? You can count on werewolves to fly the asshole flag about once a month.

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Witches, warlocks, whatever. These are those enchanting motherfuckers who set out thirst traps on social media. You start following them so you can scroll past the occasional picture of a good-looking person, then BAM, they’re trying to sell you detox tea. Instagram is essentially their gingerbread house.

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Swamp Creatures

Everything with these people is political from their Halloween costumes to their shitty memes. They know how to suck all the fun out of escapism. I just want to see cute kittens and silly puppies without someone trying to get me to re-register to vote.

Bonus: That Truly Evil Motherf****r

When you’ve been saving that dessert as a reward for yourself after a long day of work, that special dessert that pats you on the head and tells you everything will be alright, and this absolute shitstain ate it with no respect for civilized society. Then they’re gonna look you in the eye and deny it like…

There’s a special place in Hell for this monster…

Ryan Fay

Ryan is an editor and semi-pro author with life goal of having enough money to buy the cool things people make in DIY videos.

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