5:00 A.M.: Alarm goes off. Snooze it quickly so it doesn’t disturb bae, then go back to sleep. Repeat 4 times. Get up, prep for gym before work. Head to the kitchen to make a protein shake for breakfast. Post it on Instagram with a hashtag about persistence. Drink last of OJ from the bottle, put empty bottle back in fridge.
5:40 A.M.: Try to find your favorite workout top, but can’t. Sniff items in pile of dirty laundry on the bathroom floor to find one that’s not too bad. Get in the car to head to the gym. Start applying makeup at red lights. Merge onto freeway with makeup 80 percent done. Finish applying makeup while on the freeway. Realize you almost missed the exit for the gym and merge into exit lane at last second. Pull into parking lot at gym. Pull into the middle of two spots so the new car isn’t scratched.
6:00 A.M.: Gym manager opens front doors, says “good morning.” Ignore her because you are scrolling through social media feed. Finish a set and spend 15 minutes before the next set taking a selfie using the wall mirror. Post on Instagram with a hashtag about motivation. Move to free weights. Grunt and drop weights on the mat.
7:20 A.M.: Move to treadmills. Spend 30 minutes running in place, captivated by cable TV news shows. Pick up a new talking point to use relentlessly against your co-worker with a different political view. Finish treadmills. Take selfie with “workout hair.” Post on Instagram with a hashtag about self-improvement. Head to the shower.
8:00 A.M.: Finish showering. Use lots of perfume. Style hair just right to see if the cute new temp will notice. Make plans to stop by and flirt this morning to see if you can get an invitation to have lunch.
8:15 A.M.: Head to Starbucks for morning pick-me-up. Spend time in line scrolling through social media feed. Take 2 minutes at the front of the line to decide what you want; decide to go with your usual workout reward, a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino with triple caramel. Post a picture of your coffee on Instagram with a hashtag about treating yourself.
8:30 A.M.: Leave Starbucks and head to work. Get in argument about weekend plans with friend over text message while merging onto freeway. Have to stop short because you were trying to find the fire emoji. Pull into office parking lot and park too close to person on your right.
8:55 A.M.: Take the elevator up to your office. Realize you were supposed to give someone in Marketing a review of the newest product line by last night. Get off one floor below your office and take the stairs around the back corridor so they won’t see you come in.
10:30 A.M.: Get an email with three different questions about project updates. Reply with an answer to only the first one. Get an email sent to the entire regional staff about changes in expense account policy, which don’t directly affect you. Reply all with a snarky comment. Get an email from R/D with a 3-page proposal on a new product line and requesting an analysis of budget feasibility. Reply with “looks good.” Post a picture of your desk on Instagram with a hashtag about hard work.
11:15 A.M.: Receive angry text from other roommate saying it was her day to use the car. Send her the apologetic Bitmoji that says “Aw, Muffin” and text her a picture of its place in your company parking lot. Check to see if bae’s credit card is still stored on your Uber account. It’s not. Ask your roommate if she can just take the bus today and pout when she replies “No.” That period was so harsh. Exhale angrily and research afternoon train schedules.
12:15 P.M.: Head to break room for lunch. Put fish curry in the microwave. Check fridge to see if Pam from the PR department brought any of the Dove chocolates she usually has 3-4 of in her lunch. Turn on break room TV to local sports game and shout loudly at the TV when they miss a play. Leave paper plate on top of trash can lid because one trash can is full. While heading out, stop by buddy’s desk in the middle of a row of cubes in Legal. Chat loudly for 20 minutes and roar in laughter at his jokes.
1:07 P.M.: Head in late to the weekly department meeting. Ask for a recap of the first couple minutes. When it’s the training team’s time to present, open up a bag of chips very slowly and loudly. Text your friend in accounting. Turn your phone to silent after his reply makes your phone echo a catchphrase from a 90s cartoon through the conference room. Browse social media feed during departmental updates.
3:30 P.M.: Head out on smoke break with outside sales team. Gossip with women about who’s newly single in their department. Get offended when people ask how your relationship is going. Post a snarky meme on Instagram with a hashtag about jealousy. Get text from bae reminding you they’re picking up the car to help out with friend’s kids’ soccer game. Make snide comments about bae to buddy in Legal.
4:15 P.M.: Decide to head home early. Bump into boss on way out of the office. Tell her that you’re waiting on your co-workers to send you updates for the quarterly review so you haven’t started yet. Explain you have a doctor’s appointment you need to get to so you’ll have to discuss tomorrow. Walk to the lobby. Take your sunglasses off the back of your head and put them on the front of your head.
4:30 P.M.: Walk down to the Metro station to catch the A-train home. Stand directly in front of the train doors when one comes in and frown at all the people rushing out around you. Ignore nearby empty seats to find someone attractive to sit next to. Spread your legs out and scratch yourself. Make small talk with the cutie next to you despite their headphones. Fart.
5:15 P.M.: Text bae to find out what to do for dinner. Offer no suggestions but turn down each one that comes in. Complain about what a rough day you had at work. Explain they wouldn’t understand when you’re asked what’s wrong. Decide to play music without headphones. Download a new game on your phone and invite all your Facebook friends to give you power ups. Take a picture of an older person who looks tired without their permission. Post it on Instagram with a hashtag about being young forever.
6:30 P.M.: Stop at the grocery store on the walk home to get milk and bread. Leave the cart in the parking lot. Get home and ask bae why dinner isn’t ready yet and giggle when they ask if you want to help. Take Buzzfeed personality tests while pretending to listen to them talk about their day. Chew with your mouth open during dinner. Use the bathroom after dinner and replace the toilet paper roll going the wrong direction.
8:00 P.M.: Turn on Netflix and sit on the couch. Fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie and wake up after an hour with questions about the plot. Text an old flame from college you’ve been talking to for the past couple months to see if you can manage a side piece. Take a picture of you and bae as the movie winds down. Post it on Instagram with a hashtag about relationship goals.
11:30 P.M.: Get ready for bed. Drop clothes in a pile in the corner of the bedroom. Walk back and forth over the piece of floor that makes the downstairs neighbors’ ceiling creak. Play games on your phone while bae is trying to get to sleep. Pull all the covers over to your side of the bed. Snore.