The 6 Worst Kinds of College Basketball Fans

We are knee-deep into March Madness. There are only 16 teams remaining in each of the men’s and women’s tournaments, which means we’ve already had lots and lots of heartbreak. They don’t call ‘em “upsets” for nothing. And while it can be sad to see fans expressing their sorrow in the stands, it’s not always an exercise in empathy. In fact, sometimes it’s downright delightful to see some fans in mourning.

Here are the 6 worst types of college hoops fans:

6) Fans Who Try To Tell You How Much Better The Basketball Quality Is In The NBA

My answer: Okay. Today, however, is dedicated to watching some college basketball and this is not a current debate anyone is trying to have. If you are not enjoying watching the tournaments, please quietly walk away.

We don’t only read Shakespeare, watch Breaking Bad, and eat filet mignon. Sometimes we want something less refined, and in this case, we want to high-five and cheer and ride each momentum shift, watching kids play their hearts out and live and die with each game. We won’t show up to your NBA game and remind you what it’s like to see players who care, when your favorite all-star is sitting out a game for load management.

5) Fans Who Think Players Shouldn’t Be Paid And That A “Free” Education Is Enough

Mostly these are old white men from Missouri, but I don’t want to generalize too much. These NIL haters can’t stand the idea the players could profit from the full-time job they have on their team. How about you just stop watching college basketball and re-watch Glory Road or Hoosiers again, you cobwebbed mummy.

4) People Who Call For Technical Fouls (Especially When They Are Watching On TV)

Please just enjoy the basketball like the rest of us. Technical fouls don’t make the game better, and technical fouls don’t make seeing your opponent do a chin-up on the rim after dunking on your team, hurt any less. No one cares where your coach is standing on the floor, so long as he or she isn’t interfering with the game. We don’t need refs having any more power to affect a game than they already have.

3) People Who Fill Out More Than 1 Bracket

That’s not how this works. This is a guessing game, and everyone gets just one guess. By filling out two brackets, you officially have invalidated all of your selections and you are no longer eligible for bragging rights or bracket conversation privileges. I do make the rules and if you want to appeal, please fill out just one form.

2) People Who Are Proud to Tell You They Didn’t Fill Out A Bracket

The only thing worse than filling out more than one bracket is filling out zero, and telling everyone how liberating it has been. Congrats on having no stakes, no ties, no rooting interest, and no personality whatsoever. Oh, is your mental health better for not having to print out a bracket and fill it out? How very first world precious of you.

I hope all of your champagne is decanted improperly and that your newspaper lands juuuuust far enough from your door that you have to step outside to get it. Non-bracket braggers are lifetime losers and yum yuckers of the worst kind. Take a stance, you Joe Manchin of college hoops.

1) Duke Fans

I mean I don’t really have to explain this, right? Watching Duke lose is so consistently delicious, no matter if the team is good or bad, because seeing future timeshare owners and current nepo babies occasionally lose is what America SHOULD be about.