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CHAZ CHAMBERS: Good evening, and welcome to our broadcast of the 20020 Olympics, brought to you live from the Olympic Village atop the incredibly fittingly named Olympic Mons volcano on Mars. I’m CHAZ: Chambers and this is my co-host Gwen Gifford, and we will be your guides to the first ever interplanetary Olympic Games.

Of course there are many events going on this evening, but there’s a few particularly bright stars on the horizon, right, GWEN:?

GWEN GIFFORD: Absolutely Chaz. Betelgeuse is pretty bright from where I’m standing!

[Chaz chuckles]

But also, tonight, Michael Phelps MXXIII will be going for a ten thousandth gold medal in the pool.

CHAZ: Been a long time since someone not named Phelps won a gold medal in swimming, hasn’t it?

GWEN: 18,012 years, to be exact, Chaz! That’s right around the time that scientists successfully cloned the original Michael Phelps.

Speaking of 18,000 years, has anyone been more dominant in Olympic basketball in the last couple millenia than Team LeBron?

GWEN: No one, Chaz, not a one. A basketball team built of all LeBron James clones. Is there anything that man cannot do on the floor?

CHAZ: No, Gwen, he does it all. Literally, because he plays every position. What started as the plot to Space Jam 3, quickly became scientific reality. Life really does imitate art, huh?

GWEN: He even coaches!

CHAZ: [chuckles] Really helped him shed that moniker as a coach killer.

And we have some exciting action in the diving pool today as well. Gwen, what are we looking for tonight?

GWEN: Well Chaz, we are looking to see if the People’s Republic of Alibaba can make a triumphant return to gold after losing last year.

CHAZ: That was a crushing defeat. Losing to the team from the United States of Amazon by a tenth of a point!

GWEN: Speaking of the ol’ US of A, what do you make of their chances on the pitch?

CHAZ: You mean the Men’s Soccer Team? They have no chance. They have literally lost every Olympic match they’ve played in for the last 15,000 years.

GWEN: Ay govna, what a boot merry ol’ England’s chances?

CHAZ: Umm…I think they’ve got a good team.

GWEN: Oy! Oy! Oy!

[Chaz takes an awkward pause and tries to recover]

CHAZ: Well, Gwen, what else can our viewers look forward to this week here on Mars?

GWEN: Well, laddy, glad ya asked! We’ll be keepin’ an eye out for the Irish team, who are lookin’ to repeat gold in Space Discs this year.

CHAZ: God Gwen, that is an awful Irish accent. How about we just stick to the script? A bit less improv?

GWEN: Yes, I’m sorry.

[Gwen lets out an enormous fart and then starts laughing]

CHAZ: Dammit Gwen! What the hell has gotten into you?

Is this why you got fired from Good Morning Moon?

GWEN: Well, that and because of the intern I stabbed to death in my dressing room. But everyone hated Meredith. I was the only one with enough guts to do something about it.

CHAZ: What the fuck? Gwen, we are live right now. Bringing the first ever Martian Olympics to the people of Earth.

GWEN: Sorry, Chaz, I just couldn’t bear to hold on to that any longer. I mean the secret. But also the fart. Chilli cheese fries for lunch, am I right?

CHAZ:  Is this some kind of joke? Are you putting me on, here, Gwen? Is an Ashton Kutcher bot going to come along any moment and razz me?

GWEN: Ok, sorry, Chaz, relax.

CHAZ: This is really unprofessional Gwen. Why are you still smiling?!?

GWEN: Because…

[Gwen peels her face off and reveals a robot with a holographic projection of Ashton Kutcher’s head]


[whole camera crew erupts into laughter]

CHAZ: OMG. HAHA. Wow! Jesus, you got me good! I literally had no idea. Are we even rolling here? HAHAHA.


Jesse Stone

Jesse B. Stone loves science and writing. Apologies if you were looking for the "Jesse Stone" played by Tom Selleck in the CBS movies.

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