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(EXT: ESPYs Red Carpet. It’s sunny and clear in LA, photographers yelling and snapping photos.)

TOM BRADY and GISELE exit a limo.

GISELE:

Remember, I put some snacks in your jacket pocket.

 

TOM BRADY:

(pulls out a tiny plastic snack bag filled with water)

My favorite!

 

TOM BRADY and GISELE kiss, and GISELE walks down the carpet, ahead of him.

TOM BRADY sighs deeply, pockets his water, and moves to take a step. He bumps into TOM CRUISE.

 

CRUISE:

I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there!

 

BRADY:

No, no, my fault.

 

CRUISE:

Oh, man, can I just say—I am a HUGE fan of yours! I’m Tom.

 

TOM BRADY and TOM CRUISE shake hands. TOM CRUISE slips a matchbook-sized copy of Dianetics into Tom Brady’s hand.

 

BRADY:

(chuckles nervously while pocketing Dianetics)

I’m Tom! And same here, we loved The Mummy. Gisele and I thought your stunts were awesome in that.

 

CRUISE:

And I love the way you continue to give it your all on the football field! I admire your commitment and persistence.

 

BRADY:

Well, I can’t take all the credit. I wouldn’t be anywhere without my friend and business partner, Alex Guerrero.

 

CRUISE:

I wouldn’t be anywhere without my best friend and business partner, David Miscavige!

 

BRADY:

That’s great that you have someone with you who has your best interests at heart. People don’t get it, man… being part of a team is a full-time job!

 

CRUISE:

People don’t get it!

 

BRADY:

(sheepishly)

So with… with Scientology…

 

CRUISE:

You can ask, it’s OK!

(laughs)

 

BRADY:

Do you have to follow any type of diet, or fitness regimen, or anything?

 

CRUISE:

Haha, not exactly. Ours is more of a mental fitness, with daily auditing and e-meter readings. I record every one of my thoughts and feelings, expunging them into an intricately detailed blackmail folder which pins me deep within the organization.

 

BRADY:

Hmm. Gotcha. Does that really help?

 

CRUISE:

(claps)

You GOTTA try it sometime, you’ll love it! It totally clears your head. You have NO idea how many thetans you’ve got floating around at any given moment.

 

BRADY:

We do a similar thing with TB12 for brain fitness and clarity! We do a lot of mental games to help sharpen your mind. They train your memory, attentiveness, and people skills, they’re really awesome. And don’t forget your water! I try to drink between 100 and 200 cups per day.

 

CRUISE:

I should look into that. As long as it’s nothing like psychiatry! Does your program have uniforms? We have them for the Sea Org, those crisp navy and whites!

 

BRADY:

I mean… does recovery sleepwear count? It really helps cut down on swelling and muscle pain! Don’t get me wrong, it probably can’t cure a sunburn like water can, but it’s definitely improved my sleepless nights.

 

CRUISE:

That sounds pretty good to me. So what kind of diet are you on, anyways?

 

BRADY:

(deep sigh)

I don’t eat nightshades. Or drink coffee, or eat sugar. I don’t really eat processed foods, not a lot of carbs. Basically, a lot of flavorless chicken and lettuce. Avocado ice cream. And a ton of water. Water really is the cure for everything, you know?

 

CRUISE:

I know! That’s a shame, though, your diet sounds pretty restrictive. There’s a really great brunch at the Celebrity Center. Bottomless mimosas and everything!

 

BRADY:

We should… we should at least go out for some TB12 electrolyte water. It really changed my life.

 

CRUISE:

I’d really like that, Tom. You’re really easy to talk to.

 

BRADY:

Tom, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Erin Vail

Erin is the 2003 West Reading Elementary Geography Bee champion, a TV obsessive, and never not thinking about Buffalo sports.

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