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There are really only two rules of the road.


Stay in your lane.

This is both literal and metaphorical. Don’t just keep your car between the lane markers, but also in general, don’t do anything unusual or unexpected.

Sometimes you have to wait so the overall system flows.

Traffic lights, yield signs, and the like are the superego to the driver’s id. Engineers plan parts of cities around the overall flow of traffic instead of optimizing one driver’s car (no matter how much you spent on pimping it out, Brad).

But people are remarkably stupid and selfish. There are only two real rules, but humans break them constantly. People really, really shouldn’t be trusted with tons of metal and glass, hurtling forward faster than 70 MPH. So when driverless cars take over, I will embrace them with tears of joy streaming freely down my face.

Here’s an incomplete and growing list of reasons why:

  • The corner of 19th and Newport Boulevard, where a freeway just… stops with a traffic light, turning into a heavily-traveled road.
  • The entire Baltimore and Washington Beltways.
  • “Really? Now is when you decide to put your damn turn signal on?”
  • The L.A. section of U.S. Route 101.
  • Any time a stoplight goes out and turns a major intersection into a 4-way stop.
  • Any damned 4-way stop, actually. First in, first out, you idiots.
  • “Look at that asshole who can’t change lanes, with his back half hanging out into the rest of the road.”
  • The intersection of 17th and Newport Boulevard, which has the shortest light ever so people are constantly zooming through after it turns red.
  • “No, dipshit, I am not slamming on the brakes to let you cut through 5 lanes on the highway because you missed your exit.”
  • The entire state of New Jersey (seriously? Jughandles is your solution to the fact that people can’t figure out how to plan ahead for left turns?)
  • (getting out of car and walking back to the guy beeping at me) “See that sign? It says No Turn On Red When Children Are Present. See those? Those are children.
  • “Don’t drive a hugeass F150 if you can’t turn the damned wheel far enough. Your fucktruck is taking up the entire exit of the parking lot, which is also the entrance that now I can’t get into, asshole.”
  • Whatever blight on God’s green earth this is.
  • The shitty Pennsylvania and Ohio Turnpikes.
  • “Yes, you’re in a left-turn only lane. No, I’m not going to stop and back up traffic and let you change lanes at the last second because your head is too far up your ass to pay attention. Instead of holding up the rest of traffic behind you, suck it up, turn left, make a U-turn, and get back on track. Just because you drive a $75K car doesn’t mean you get to magically decide that you get to inconvenience everyone else instead of yourself. Admit your mistake, fix it, grow from it, and make something of your shitty and horrible life, you cockbag.”
  • “You useless wastes of flesh, this metered light is 2 CARS PER GREEN. I could have gone 5 times by now, but I’m sitting here waiting for you fucksticks instead.”
  • Assholes from out of town when they reach the roundabouts and can’t remember from driving school that you GO if there’s NO ONE COMING ROUND THE GODDAMNED CIRCLE because there is NO REASON TO YIELD IF THERE IS NO TRAFFIC YOU ENORMOUS JACKASS.
  • My blood pressure.
Scott Michael

Scott is an ISTJ with an MA, and is usually MIA or AFK IRL. Interrobang him and win a prize.

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