Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Powerless Rankings, where we rank all of the things that don’t matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
I might be in the minority here, but after watching that shit go down Thursday night I blamed Mason Rudolph. The game was over, but he was butt hurt over some late sacks and threw a temper tantrum. Myles Garrett tried to lay him down nicely! Instead of taking it like a man he tried to rip Garrett’s helmet off and instigated a fight. Once a fight starts the rules of society no longer apply, whatever happens, happens. Sure, some shit happened, but all because Rudolph was being a little bitch.
Honorable mention for the biggest piece of blame pie goes to the guy who almost killed someone live on FOX, the NFL Network, and Amazon Prime.
I can’t decide if Rivers is the worst “good” quarterback or if he just has the best stats of all the bad quarterbacks. He is SIXTH ALL-TIME in passing yards, and if he plays another season he will pass Dan Marino! On the other hand, well, just watch him play. He has a 5-6 playoff record and has never made it to the Super Bowl.
This week on Lunes en la Noche Futbol de Americano the bumbling half-wits called him a hall-of-famer. Then an hour later they watched him throw his thousandth terrible game-blowing interception. As Churchill once said of Rivers, “He is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, with a ton of children.”
Speaking of the bumbling half-wits, I couldn’t let a Powerless Rankings go by without some hate for the MNF booth. Joey Tits gets the week off, today we’re focusing on Booger. It isn’t just fans who think this guy sucks, now the players are getting into it:
This wasn’t even my favorite Booger quote (Boogerism? How about just booger?) of the week! The best booger was in regards to the Chargers’ Hunter Henry: “He may not be the best tight end in the league… ’cause he’s not.”
Don’t let the humor of this blog post distract you from the fact that the Broncos blew a 20-0 halftime lead to the Vikings.
I make fun of fantasy nerds every week on the rankings, but it’s time for me to make a confession: I am one of you. I too partake in this stupid activity, trying to derive joy from a meaningless fabrication.
We all know it’s a waste of time, but still we do it… and it brings us no happiness. It is an especially somber activity for those who drafted Beckham in the first round or spent the majority of their auction budget on him.
So far this season Beckham has scored one touchdown. A single, lonely touchdown. Has he been hurt? Nope. Has he been ignored? NO. He has the 11th most targets of any wide receiver! Yet he has the same amount of scores as guys like Jeremy Sprinkle, C.J. Ham, Ben Braunecker, Monte Izzo, Troymaine Pope, and Anthony Firkser.
One of those names is made up, but you don’t know which one.
As a Patriots fan, it is very frustrating to watch the team squander one of Brady’s (potentially) last seasons with an unproven group of pass-catchers. It’s basically Julian Edelman and whichever guys on the waiver wire looked good in shorts.
It is also frustrating that the Patriots are trying to protect the GOAT with a bunch of fat sheep. Left Tackle Marshall Newhouse is playing for his seventh team in 8 years, mostly because he sucks at blocking. Given his occupation, that is a bit of a problem.
With all that said, Tommy, you need to stop bitching. You’re worth half a billion dollars, and Belichick finds a way to get you to the Super Bowl every year. We all worship you, but you’ve done more with less in the past. The defense will put points on the board, just try not to get killed out there.
Great job everyone, keep up the good work!
Also Receiving Votes: Mitchell Trubisky’s “Hip”, Jared Goff’s Decline, People Who Watched the Entire Sunday Night Football Game, Dan Snyder, Eagles Wide Receivers, Houston’s Defense, Carolina’s Offense and How Dark It Gets By 5 PM Now.