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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Tampa Bay Bucs

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think we were done here!?! The show is over when Ryan Fitzpatrick says it’s over.

As any magician, comedian, or stripper knows, you need to finish the act with your strongest material. We all assumed that an upset victory over the Saints in New Orleans would be the Bucs’ finale, but that proved not to be the case. This week the audience volunteers were the defending Super Bowl champion Eagles, and they exited stage left with a 27-21 loss.

For his next trick, Fitzpatrick will make Jameis Winston’s career disappear!

2. Kansas City Chiefs

The season is young, but the new QB1 in KC is leading the race for MVP. After a 6 (!!!) touchdown performance in Pittsburgh, the Chiefs are 2-0 and Patrick Mahomes’s 143.3 passer rating is second only to the aforementioned illusionist. So far, he has thrown 10 touchdowns and zero interceptions, putting him on pace to throw 80 touchdowns and zero interceptions this season. I believe that would be a record.

3. Jaguars’ Week 2 Super Bowl Championship

Congratulations to the Jacksonville Jaguars on their impressive victory this week! The haters will say that it’s only September and you shouldn’t celebrate your second victory of the season as if you actually won something, but eff that noise!

In all seriousness, the Jags were definitely the better team on Sunday. They played with a sense of urgency that was absent from the second half of last year’s AFC title game, and their receivers absolutely shredded the Pats’ secondary.

But in even more seriousness, talk to me in January.

4. Hollywood Rams

With exception of the What-The-Fuccaneers, the belle of the NFC ball so far has been the Rams. Through two games they have outscored opponents 67-13. Playing the Raiders and Cardinals certainly helps, but it looks like their offense is going to be able to score on anybody. Todd Gurley had a 3-touchdown game to the delight of his nerd fantasy owners, and L.A.’s receiver trio of  Cooper Kupp, Brandin Cooks and Robert Woods will give Jared Goff plenty of targets.


Get it?

5. Tying

Seriously though did you get it? I don’t think you did. It’s a picture of a cup cooking in the woods… Kupp, Cooks & Woods… the Rams receivers. Forget it.

Moving on to the shankfest at Lambeau where the Vikings and Packers each missed game-winning field goals as the two Northern powerhouses played to a draw. There is an old saying that a tie is like kissing your sister, which may be true, but I think it depends on what your sister looks like. Either way, the NFL has seen a tie in each of the first two weeks this season, the first time that has happened since 1953*.

* I have no clue if that year is correct or not. I don’t have an intern and I refuse to do research for a column that people only click on for the pictures. HOWEVER, 1953 is the year that Navy football coach Eddie Erdelatz coined the phrase about sister-kissing after a 0-0 game against Duke.

6. Aaron Rodgers’s Pain Meds

Staying in Green Bay, a quick shout out to whatever Aaron Rodgers has been taking to numb his knee injury. In the first half of Week 1 he tore and/or broke his leg, in the second half he limped around and won the game, and in Week 2 he threw for 271 yards. Looked fine to me.

I’m not saying that he is doing anything illegal, I would just urge whichever NFL official is in charge of this sort of thing to take a peek. I think its a double standard to suspend guys for weed or the wrong vitamins while we let Rodgers (possibly) shoot heroin right in the Packers’ locker room. Again, I’m not saying what I’m not saying… just saying… he is on some good shit.

The only other explanation is that he was being a drama queen and asked to be carted off the field for a slightly twisted knee.

7. Vontae Davis

Lots of people are being critical of Vontae Davis this week, but I will not be one of them. For those who don’t know, he is (or was) a 30-year-old cornerback for the Bills who decided to retire at halftime of his team’s game against the Chargers. Buffalo was losing 28-6 and Davis felt like “he was done” and “shouldn’t be out there anymore.” I picture it more like this:

Either way, many are saying that Vontae disrespected his coaches, teammates, fans and the game of football. Apparently those people have never had a job that they hated. I love this move. If you’re going to quit, do it in style. It’s not like this dude is going to the hall of fame, he should take his money and what’s left of his brain cells and go on a nice long vacation. If that vacation starts halfway through a game, so be it.

8. Le’Veon Bell

Speaking of vacations, the absent running back is living his best life down in Miami while the Steelers are imploding. Bell is continuing his hold out, completely screwing over his real-life team as well as his fake-life spaz fantasy owners.

Meanwhile in Pittsburgh, things are going from bad to worse. They followed up their tie with the Browns by giving up 42 points in the loss to the Chiefs. Antonio Brown threw a hissy fit on the sidelines Sunday because he wasn’t getting the ball enough, and then he didn’t show up to practice on Monday. This all begs the question, has Mike Tomlin lost the team?

Here are the preseason odds for first coach fired this year:

Given how the Bucs have started this is now laughable. If I were a betting man (hypothetically) I might try to find some odds on Tomlin being the first to go… it might be time.

9. Sunday Night Scaries

Let’s take a quick break from talking about football and discuss mental health. I used to have a very specific form of anxiety that would take form on Sunday evenings, shortly after I stopped drinking. I’m sure you know the feeling: You have lost all of your bets, the buzz has worn off, and the dread of Monday begins to set in.

I thought I had cured myself. All spring and summer I enjoyed my Sundays, relaxed, golfed, spent time with the family, and watched binge-worthy television before retiring to a peaceful slumber. The last two weeks have been different though.

I’m not saying that I hate football, I’m just saying that the chemicals in my brain hate when I run out of IPAs and bet on the Giants.

10. The New England Patriots

Before we wrap up this week we must acknowledge some big news that broke late. The Patriots masterminded another low-risk acquisition of a gifted player with huge upside. On Saturday, troubled but talented receiver Josh Gordon was cut by the Browns via Twitter. On Sunday, the Browns realized that they could trade Gordon and get some value back. On Monday Gordon was a Patriot.

Listen, there are a million different ways that this doesn’t work out. The guy hasn’t played much since 2013. It’s possible that playing with the greatest quarterback of all-time won’t revive Gordon’s career.

That said, I’ll just leave this here:

Also Receiving Votes: The Monsters of the Midway, Free Agent Kickers, A.J. Green, My Bookie, My Bookie’s Wife, My Bookie’s Girlfriend, My Bookie’s New Boat and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s chest hair.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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