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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Jimmy G & the 49ers

I’d be remiss not to begin this edition with the best team in the NFC and winners of 2019’s most exciting game. The 49ers went into the Superdome and beat the Saints 48-46 thanks to 349 yards and 4 TDs from Handsome Jimmy. Any questions about Garoppolo possibly being San Francisco’s weak link were answered: He’s not.

The scary thing for the rest of the NFC is that they may not have a weak link. The Saints are not going to score 46 points outside, and the road to the Super Bowl is likely going through Santa Clara, so the 49er defense has played their worst game. George Kittle is a beast, they can run the ball all day, and Emmanuel Sanders was the perfect trade deadline addition.

You didn’t come here for serious football talk though, so lets move along…

2. Robot Referees

It’s time. We need to finally come together as a society and make the determination that humans are not capable of fairly and accurately judging football games. How the hell has tennis figured this out but football is still relying on Jerome Boger & Associates to officiate in the NFL??? The blown calls in the Chiefs-Pats game by Miss Thing and his crew were both plentiful and egregious. A robot would not have made those mistakes.

As a Patriots fan, I understand that sometimes calls go in your favor, and sometimes they don’t. Only losers blame the officials for losses, and while Patriots fans are many things, we are not losers.

That said, it is worth pointing out that a robot would have overturned the ball spot that the Patriots challenged, instead of leaving them with only two timeouts and one challenge for the rest of the game. A robot would not have blown Travis Kelce’s fumble dead, thus allowing the Patriots to scoop it up and score a touchdown. A robot would have called a pass interference when the Chief defender mutilated Philip Dorsett, and a robot would have seen that N’Keal Harry did not step out of bounds on his touchdown that the human refs disallowed.

Those are just observations though, not complaints. Only losers complain about officiating.

3. Bill Belichick

In order to stay one step ahead of the competition you must find every possible edge. Nobody is better at finding that edge than Bill Belichick.

4. Patriot Haters

It was a good week for those who like to throw stones at the giants in New England. “Spygate II” has filled countless hours of air time with tired, nonsensical babble aimed at diminishing all that the Patriots have accomplished. Why? Because some kid filming a web series shot a little footage of the 1-12 Cincinnati Bengals.

Now I’ll be honest, it is incomprehensible that anybody at all affiliated with the Patriots organization would be stupid enough to film an opponent’s sideline. However harmless the project may have been, whoever this guy is should be fired just for being an idiot. The only people dumber than this videographer are the ones who think Belichick and his staff would put themselves at risk of another massive punishment in order to get footage of the 1-12 Cincinnati Bengals.

5. Mike Tomlin

I am on the record as saying that Mike Tomlin is not a very good coach. His players love him, but I think he’s overrated and makes dumb decisions late in crucial games. He is also my pick for 2019 Coach of the Year.

After losing Ben Roethlisberger to injury and starting 1-5 it looked like the Steelers were on the verge of a historically bad season. They are 6-1 since then, despite losing their best running back and wide receiver to injury, and are on track to make the playoffs.

I no longer think that if Omar Epps coached the Steelers for a game 1) nobody would notice and 2) the outcome of the game would not change.

6. Jameis Winston

This guy is an absolute wild card! Watching Bucs games on RedZone are both confusing and exhilarating, and Sunday’s game against the Colts was no exception. Winston threw for 456 yards and four touchdowns, but in typical Jameis fashion he mixed in three costly interceptions. He has thrown 26 TDs on the season (second most in the league) along with 23 interceptions (the most… by far).

You can say a lot of things about Jameis Winston, but you can’t say that he doesn’t make meaningless games interesting!

You also can’t say that he didn’t sexually assault an Uber driver.

7. Odell Beckham’s Hernia

It was revealed this week that the reason for the Browns’ disappointing season might be a sports hernia that OBJ is suffering from. Sure, blame the hernia.

8. Ryan Tannehill

“Sometimes you’ve got to go back to actually move forward” – Matthew McConaughey

9. Buffalo’s Schedule

The current 5-seed in the AFC hasn’t exactly faced a murderer’s row of opponents. Look at all the cupcakes they’ve beaten! HA! What a joke…

(This is me projecting.)

10. Rankings Inception

Top 10 TV Shows from 2019 to Binge Watch this Holiday Season:

  1. Mindhunter
  2. Watchmen
  3. Rick & Morty
  4. Succession
  5. The Boys
  6. Fleabag
  7. Unbelievable 
  8. Barry
  9. Chernobyl
  10. When They See Us

Honorable Mention (If you like confusing German-language shows about time travel): Dark

Honorable Mention II (If you like absolutely batshit crazy shows that might actually be spoofing the streaming drama genre): The OA

Also Receiving Votes: The Resurgent Rams, Mitchell Trubisky, Boston Scott, Austin Ekeler Fantasy Owners, My Bookie, Christmas Cookie Szn, and Dr. Manhattan’s Dong.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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