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Welcome to The Prompt’s own “weekly” (quarterly?) NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step to. But here we go…

1. COVID-19

You can’t talk about the first half of the 2020 NFL season without mentioning the ‘Rona. The novel virus has disrupted the NFL in the same way that it has disrupted all of our lives and every aspect of society. The only difference with the NFL is that they absolutely DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. Positive test? Take another one. Two positive tests? Wait in your car in the parking lot for an hour, wear a mask in the locker room, then go play tackle football.

The NFL pays about as much attention to the CDC guidelines as Aaron Rodgers pays to his family. Whatever. I like watching football so I guess we’ll just keep pretending like it’s normal that they’re playing games during a deadly pandemic. Shrug emoji.


2. Belichick & Brady Together

Together they won six Super Bowls and 16 division championships. Now that they’re apart, things aren’t going quite as well. The Pats are slow on defense, have no offensive identity, and lost at home 33-6 to a 49er team decimated by injuries. Brady may have looked good earlier in the season, but that Florida Man just suffered through a 38-3 embarrassment at the hands of Drew Brees and the Saints on Sunday night.

But hey, at least Brady could tally a moral victory by helping to revive Antonio Brown’s career. Always commendable to use your GOAT clout by vouching for a complete and utter scumbag…


3. Patriots Haters

How does the saying go, “Even a broken clock is right every 12 years”? Shout out to all the pundits who accurately predicted the downfall of the New England dynasty, albeit a decade or so late. Congrats to the scorned coaches, players, and executives who have hated the Patriots for years and can finally rest easy knowing that the big bad bully isn’t going to steal their lunch money. This is your moment in the sun, enjoy it.


4. Pittsburgh Steelers

Speaking of teams that really don’t need Antonio Brown, the Steelers are 8-0 for the first time in franchise history!


5. Kansas City’s Super Bowl Hangover Cure

The Chiefs enjoyed what may have been the last championship parade in our nation’s history this past February. If you thought that the offseason partying might lead to a slow start to their title defense you were quite wrong. KC looks even better this year, starting 8-1 and leading the AFC with 31.8 points per game.


6. Rookie QB Class

Joe Burrow has been fun to watch all year, Justin Herbert has thrived in the Chargers’ offense, and now Tua Tagovailoa is at the helm in Miami. We knew this was a special class, but nobody expected all three of these guys to make such immediate impacts. I suppose they have the advantage of extra time to study their playbook now that it’s socially irresponsible to touch girls.


7. Dalvin Cook Fantasy Owners

You nerds must be really proud of yourselves, huh? Cook currently has more points than any non-QB in fantasy, and his last two games have been legendary. In wins over the Packers and Lions he has 478 total yards and 6 touchdowns. Meanwhile, all that my fantasy players have had recently is surgery.


8. Tanking for Trevor

What’s worse than going 0-16 so you can draft a sure-thing QB prospect? Going 0-16 with Trevor Lawrence because you’re still the Jets!


9. Philip Rivers’ Sperm

Too bad his arm is impotent.


10. Los Angeles Personal Injury Attorneys

Let’s check in and see how things are going with Tyrod Taylor:


Also Receiving Votes: Russell Wilson, DK Metcalf, Kyler Murray, Bills Mafia, Mitch Trubisky, Game Day Traffic, Drew Brees’ stat-padding, and that awesome new L.A. stadium that nobody has been to.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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