Let’s face it. Soccer is not America’s top sport. We couldn’t even manage to qualify for the World Cup this year over a team like Panama, who were dismantled 5-1 by England last weekend before packing their bags to head back to their Canal. Yes, soccer may well be the sport of the future, as Men in Blazers love to remind us, but it’s not our ancestral sport (baseball) or the most popular sport (football). It’s not even the most popular sport within one demographic.

But as soccer has risen to the forefront of American consciousness, we sometimes still struggle to talk with one another about the sport. Often, we are challenged by compatriots who read The Daily Mail, watch the Premier League (that they insist on calling the “EPL”), but only visited England once on a class trip in school. These fans use words like “pitch” instead of field and “draw” instead of tie and “nil” instead of zero. Exhausting and insufferable, innit?

Well bully for you because we’ve prepared a dictionary for speaking this language.

But please, I beg of you, don’t feel the need to adopt the Queen’s English when speaking about the sport. We can talk about the sport with American terminology and still thrive. People who insist on using the Queen’s English when talking about soccer pretend to be showing some inside knowledge of the sport. They are knobs and should be shunned.

American / The Queen’s English

Soccer or Sockah / Football or Footie

Field / Pitch

Goalie / Keeper

Zero / Nil

Tie / Draw

Cleats or shoes / Boots

Trunk / Boot

Shootout / Penalties

Penalty kick or P.K. / Penalty

Airball / Booter

Offsides / Offside

JV team / B team or reserves

Fast Break / Counter Attack or Break

Flop / Dive

Swish / Goal

Goal lines (area between goal) / Goal line

Base line (area next to goal) / Goal line

Overtime / Extra Time

Game / Fixture or Match

Uniform / Kit

Team / Club

Shutout / Clean sheet

Tying goal / Equalizer

Road game / Away match

Fans / Supporters

Practice / Training

Standings / Table

Schedule / Fixtures

Sideline / Touch line

Technical foul / Yellow Card

Flagrant foul / Red Card

Personal foul / Foul

Defense / Back line

Dinner / Tea

Dessert / Pudding

Hooking up / Pulling

Making out / Snogging

Donald Trump / Boris Johnson

Sarah Sanders / Theresa May

Meghan Markle / Kate Middleton

Now some of you may say: “But, Thomas, the American accented players and commentators are using the words on the left. Doesn’t that make them the more correct words?!” Fuck no! Those assholes have just adopted the culture that they are exposed to because they either play there currently or want a job in that lucrative SOCKAH market.

*Clears throat*

If you plan on using the Queen’s English when talking about soccer, that’s fine. Just don’t expect me to be impressed. The English don’t have a monopoly on the language (just like they don’t have a monopoly of their island).

Good luck, England. I hope you eat shit and die. 🙂

#anyonebutengland