Faithful fans, we’ve got some super exciting news. Hot Takes Tuesday has ascended to the next level. Starting today, you’re not getting your flames and fire from just ONE charismatic, high-spirited rapscallion. Now, you’ve got THREE wily scamps bringing you their hot takes. It’s a helluva deal. A warm welcome to Jack, Hen, and Neu, the bright minds behind Pool Boy Comedy.
I’m a big fan of PowerBars. I find the process of food-consuming to be very time-consuming, and PowerBars are a good way to make it snappy. They are an also easy way to fill up while getting to enjoy exotic flavors like chocolate, vanilla, and peanut butter. Not to mention, there’s just something so delightful about eating foods with the texture of wet cement.
But, recently, PowerBars done messed up. They done messed up good. For years and years, PowerBars had the same logo and color scheme. Chocolate PowerBars were brown…
Peanut Butter PowerBars were orange…
and all was right in the world. Things made sense. The sky was blue. The Earth was flat. Kyrie Irving played for the Cavs.
But, then… some absolute jackwagon at PowerBar HQ decided to mess with the minds of their consumers! This is what Chocolate and Peanut Butter PowerBars look like today!
Notice anything different? Of course you did! The Peanut Butter is now RED, and even worse, the Chocolate is now ORANGE! What kind of wackadoo design is this? It’s hogwash, that’s what it is! If I knew how to buy stocks I would buy a bunch in PowerBar just so I could then sell them. This is weak-ass tomfoolery, that’s what it is.
Do you know how many times I’ve grabbed an orange PowerBar thinking it was Peanut Butter only to find myself with dusty-ass chocolate cement all up in my mouth?? Twice. It’s happened two times!
Get your shit together PowerBar, you almost lost yourself a loyal customer!
4/10 –The temperature at which PowerBars begin to liquidate.
I hear a lot of people say they “don’t like reality TV,” which is a lie. Some people may not like TELLING people they enjoy reality TV, but if we’re all being honest with ourselves, Pawn Stars is just good stuff. That’s a fact. Go watch season 2 of Jersey Shore and tell me you don’t want to join Pauly D and the gang down in South Beach. Do it!
In spite of all the pious grandstanding about the Golden Age of Television, we all know the truth. The best show on TV right now is Bachelor in Paradise (or BIP). That’s not debatable. It’s basically what would happen if you took the 10 craziest contestants from The Bachelor/Bachelorette and put them in a Real World house. In fact, it’s exactly like that.
BIP has it all figured out. When characters start getting comfortable and things start getting boring, they won’t stand for it. Instead, they bring in newer, sexier, and crazier young adults to stir the pot. It’s a non-stop rollercoaster ride of sex, heartbreak, and forced relationships. It’s freaking awesome. There’s so much must-see TV that ABC puts it on two nights a week.
And the best part, everyone’s favorite eligible bachelor from last season is returning. If you don’t know Daniel, check out his highlight tape…
9/10 — Hotter than everything else happening in Puerto Vallarta, that’s for sure.
Am I the only one who’s been paying attention to Domino’s Pizza the last five years? Has no one been noticing their sneaky ascent up the totem pole of delivery pizza? In a world of untrustworthy news outlets and empty promises, Domino’s has apparently been doing some soul searching.
Open your eyes people! Domino’s said they’d change and they did it. They fucking did it.
Throughout the 2000s, public opinion regarding Domino’s quickly dropped and they appeared to be on their way into oblivion. Quality control had fallen by the wayside, and a 2009 survey revealed they were ranked dead last by the public, tying Chuck E. Cheese for the fewest votes. Meanwhile, other pizza delivery competitors had made strides. Papa John’s ingredients and coincidentally their pizza continued to get better. Nobody was out-pizzaing the Hut. It looked like the end for dominos.
Than in a last grasp for relevancy, Domino’s finally took a good long look at itself in the mirror.
They bought some ad space and ran a commercial explaining all that was wrong with their product and what was being done to fix it.
It was tough to believe. Here was a pizza company, drowning, in no position to make any promises, broadcasting to the world a message of change. The 2010 me couldn’t fathom this kind of evolution, and—in a time when Domino’s was leaning on its loyalists to hang on and trust—I was officially off the bandwagon.
It’s now August 2017, and I can say with confidence, Domino’s is re-inventing the pizza game.
In 2015, they shocked the world by introducing the DXP, a ‘pizza car’ with a built in oven capable of carrying over 80 pizzas. No more are the days of customers hovering over their delivery trackers watching Janet take her sweet time with the topping station. It’s just a pepperoni pizza Janet, just what the fuck is going on back there?
In 2016, they took their ‘mobile pizza’ concept a few steps further by delivering pizza in New Zealand using an unmanned drone. And just like that, Domino’s owns both land and air.
Then, this past year, Domino’s officially began work on a project that will rely on robots for their delivery staff. Frankly, this one may have gone to far. #didwelearnnothingfromterminator
Still, Domino’s continues to be on the forefront of all things pizza. They recently changed their name from Domino’s Pizza to Domino’s in an effort to be more inclusive of other menu items. I put my trust in your able hands Domino’s, you’ve proven you won’t let me down.
7/10 — This cheese will DEFINITELY burn the roof of your mouth.
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