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Nothing feels better than a nice rinse after a hard workout. The shower is a great place to relieve your muscles from the hurtin’ you just put on them. Warm water keeps your heart rate elevated, extending your calorie-burning past the gym and encouraging the release of feelgood chemicals like oxytocin.

But perhaps the most underrated benefit of a hot shower is totally ethering those meatheads and thinspo hoes who so much as raised an eyebrow at your deadlifts.

The stories you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Me, to Sally StairMaster: You did that for 65 minutes?!

Sally: Uh-huh.

Me: Are you training for something?

Sally: No, I just work out.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I must’ve given you the wrong idea. I’m not impressed. I’m just wondering what kind of person has the time and attention span for a rote exercise like that, for that duration of time. Sure hope you take glucosamine!

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Me, to Kenny Kickboxing Instructor: Question, when you’re doing a sidekick, which hand are you using to protect your head?

Kenny: In muay thai style [gets into stance], you’re almost using both. See? [Demonstrates.]

Me: Please compliment my form. Ask me if I’ve sparred before. Tell me you like when I come to your classes because I bring so much intensity.

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Me [finishes exercise, wipes down mat]

Patty Purell [pumps paper towel machine]

Me …

Patty [pumps paper towel machine]

Me …

Patty [pumps paper towel machine, pulls disinfectant trigger [I’m counting now] 42x]

Me …

Patty [with sweeping motions, wipes the exact area I just cleaned]

Me …

Patty [gets on all fours and starts doing ass exercises]

Me: Hey, Patty is it? Hi. I see my cleaning job was unsatisfactory? No, I’m not offended. What I am is The Lorax; I speak for the trees. Did you know, if you only pumped the paper towel dispenser 21 times, you would use 50 percent less?! And it’s not just a math lesson I can offer you today. Let’s head over to science class. Are you aware that all that sanitizing can have the exact opposite effect? That’s right, excessive use of antibacterial products makes ‘superbugs’ grow stronger. So when you’re down on that mat, girl, grindin’ it out, makin’ that booty pop? The superbugs are gettin’ brolic right beside you. So maybe cool out a little bit with that whole spic-and-span thing.

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Me [listening to headphones]

Tommy Talksalot

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Me [removes one headphone]

Tommy: How you doin’ over there?

Me: Good. Good, thanks.

Tommy: Yeah, me too.

Me: That’s great. Have a good workout [replaces headphone]

Tommy: mmg hbjjj wwo nn nn ttrssts, d pqqv?

Me [removes one headphone] Sorry, what?

Tommy: I said, yeah, I’ve been working on my fitness, ya know? Gotta stay in shape.

Me: It’s important for sure!

Tommy: Yeah, diet too. OH, HEY REGGIE! [Waves to man 30 yards away]

[Man sheepishly raises a hand back]

Tommy: That’s my man Reggie. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, my diet. Yeah so I cut out fast food a few months back. Definitely feeling better. You know who else should think about eating better? Our President.

Me: Ha.

Tommy: Yeah, all that junk food can’t be good. But other than that, I think he’s doing a pretty good job. I mean, the border-crossers living in cages, that’s not the best. But they broke the law by coming into our country; what did they expect?

Me: Hey, it was nice meeting you, take care [somersaults off treadmill, belt still running]

Me: Sir, you are impervious to the universal symbol of I’m-wearing-headphones-please-leave-me-alone and your attempts at friendly conversation feel more like palavering, therefore I do not expect you to understand my views on health and fitness, much less politics. This is why going forward I, like Reggie, shall only wave to you from no closer than what can be described as “the middle distance.” I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Jillian Conochan

Jillian Conochan is a professional amateur; writing and editing just happen to be two current pursuits. Opinion range: strong to DNGAF.

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