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(Best read in a German accent)

Mein Dearest Reader,

Oh, how I hope this message finds its vay to you!

After perusing some Neitzsche and a few jugs of Riesling, I’ve decided to write this letter. I’ve heard through the grapevine (I mean this literally; the plants talk to me) that, in a far away land, there are people just like me. Bound to stay in their homes day after day. Idling away their hours in isolation and despair.

I can only assume that, like me, these people have done it for 18 fucking years. 

Frankly it vould be much harder to relate to anyone who’s been doing it for a shorter time. Like, to be franck vith you, if you’re homebound for just a few months and already tearing your hair out… I’d tell you to buck the fuck up. Try having some oafish crank hoist himself up on your braids every veek! Have you ever felt your roots straining under a grown man’s body weight?

Velkommen to my reality, mein leiblinge.

The greatest gift I can share is what I vould treasure most from you. Vell, to be honest, I’d most treasure some Lord Byron nudes for mein spänk bank. But the thing I’d treasure second-most, is tips for how to pass the time.

So, my gift you is a list of my favourite vays to occupy yourself at home:

1. Recreate famous paintings in your plant terrarium.

2. Write an opera. Or an operetta, no pressure.

3. Make as many outfits as possible in 10 minutes using only a bed sheet.

4. Treat yourself. To some bloodletting.

5. Make a sock puppet of Lord Byron.

6. Make out with a sock puppet of Lord Byron.

7. Make sweet love to a sock puppet of Lord Byron.

8. Choreograph a dance routine to one of Tchaikovsky’s bangers.

9. Braid your flaxen pubic hair.

10. List out all the Brothers Grimm—even the degenerate ones no one talks about.

11. Two vords: Drag Spiders.

12. Marry-Romp-Murder: Napoleons I, II, & III.

13. Write an open letter to strangers after 6 glasses of sweet wine.

This is the best advice I can give to you, my friend. May you have purpose. May you find happiness. And may your imprisonment be shorter than my lifetime.

Hirsutely Yours,

Ms. Rapunzel von Schöngeist

David Leipziger

David once performed a feminist rap version of "Gaston" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast on a soccer field in DC. Today he lives in London and searches for a wilting rose. (Not the flower but the eligible British viscount, Sir Wilting Rose).

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