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These are The Prompt’s own biweekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

* I’ll do my best.

Did you come here for Power Rankings? Do you really expect me to magically make sense of this NFL season?

Here are your power rankings: The Bills are the best team in the AFC, the Eagles are the best team in the NFC, and the Chiefs are fine. Everybody else sucks, but unless there’s a tie, half of the league wins every week—it’s just math. That tricks us into thinking that our favorite team might be good because they crushed Detroit and Cleveland, but then they lose to Justin Fucking Fields at home on a Monday Night and make you question everything about your life.

So instead of traditional Power Rankings, this week we’re going to do something a little different. Sort of like when your wife accidentally gets Hint of Lime tortilla chips, and at first you’re pissed off because you’re not gay but then you realize that they’re actually kind of tasty and it’s a nice change of pace.

Today we’re going to play a game to determine which type of fan you are! Welcome to…

Before we begin I would like to speak directly to my editor: You are not prepared for the run-on sentences that you’re about to encounter. Please remember that this is a game and nobody reads my bi-weekly ramblings for the writing quality. I urge you to prioritize my grammar in the way that the Lions prioritize defense, or how Deshaun Watson views consent.

Okay, let’s get started!

#1: Pick your favorite legendary quarterback who is absolutely regretting their decision to not retire this past offseason and looks completely miserable every Sunday as their underachieving team stumbles to a disappointing 3-4 start while torpedoing millions of survivor pool entries

A) Aaron Rodgers

B) Tom Brady


#2: Pick the dorkiest Russell W, who despite an enormous salary cap-crushing contract is embarrassing himself every game for a team desperately trying to figure out how to bench him

A) Russell Westbrook

B) Russell Wilson

#3: Pick the most incompetent and unprepared leader that showed within weeks that they were clearly way out over their skis and blatantly unqualified for their new job

A) Liz Truss

B) Nathaniel Hackett


#4: Pick which New York fan base you find most obnoxious as they attempt to deflect the abject failure of the Yankees & Mets by celebrating the shockingly hot start of their mediocre football team

A) Giants

B) Jets


#5: Pick the most likely scenario in which we witness an on-field death during an NFL game

A) Brain Trauma

B) Kyler Murray Murdering Kliff Kingsbury


#6: Pick the “stud” tight end that has made fantasy football nerds question their entire existence after taking him too early in their draft

A) Darren Waller

B) Kyle Pitts


#7: Pick which divorce has been the most difficult for you to deal with

A) Tom & Gisele

B) Al & Cris


#8: Pick the disappointing quarterback who is the LEAST likely to ever take another NFL snap

A) Wentz

B) Matty Ice

C) Baker


#9: Pick the institution that I currently owe the most money to

A) My Bookie

B) My Mortgage Lender


#10: Pick the starting quarterback of the New England Patriots, because Bill Belichick can’t

A) Mac Jones

B) Bailey Zappe


(Correct answers: B, B, A, A, A, B, C, A, A, A)

Also Receiving Votes: 

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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