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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.
1. AFC Westworld
The Broncos, Chiefs, Chargers, and Raiders all notched victories this week, as the AFC West is the hottest foursome in football. Like HBO’s hot new show, the division is filled with mystery and suspense, along with masterminds (John Elway), outlaws (Jack Del Rio), and decommissioned robots (Jamaal Charles). I’m having an extremely difficult time following each, but they’re undeniable enjoyable to watch.
2. Philadelphia Eagles
ALL ABOARD! After back-to-back losses coming off the bye week it looks like the Wentz Wagon has found the trail again. Sunday’s decisive win over the previously undefeated Vikings gives the Eagles some much needed momentum heading into a Week 8 showdown with the first place Cowboys. The NFC East is no longer a joke, as all four teams have winning records… devastating news for snarky bloggers everywhere.
3. Kissing Your Sister
It was a bad Sunday night for offense, for kickers especially, and for the sport of American professional football in general. It was a great night for Defense, for betting the Under, and for those fans who like nothing more than a good old fashioned tie. The Seahawks and Cardinals battled to an impressively unimpressive 6-6 tie in a contest that was as unique as it was difficult to watch. This game had everything (Stefon voice): Shanked field goals, Carrie Underwood, Kangol hats, and men named Christine.
4. Case Keenum
While the photo above was clearly doctored, it is representative of the material that the Rams quarterback must be using to blackmail his head coach. No other scenario could explain how Keenum is still starting, despite throwing 4 interceptions in a 17-10 loss to the Giants in London. The artists formerly known as the Hollywood Showtime Rams have lost 3 in a row as first overall pick Jared Goff continues to ride the bench, clearly not in possession of any Fisher nudes.
T-5. Chicago Cubs / Cleveland Indians
The Bears and Browns are a combined 1-13 and clearly two of the worst teams in the league. Luckily for them, their fans haven’t even noticed, as each city’s baseball teams are set to meet in a historic World Series. Whichever contingent loses is going to have a rude awakening when they check back in on football the morning after the clinching game. But until then, they should just enjoy the ride and enjoy getting drunk on work nights.
7. Ryan Fitzpatrick
This fucking guy. The Jets tried to get away from Fitzpatrick, and they went as far as naming Geno Smith the starter at quarterback moving forward. Then, fitzmagically, Geno went down in the second quarter of Sunday’s game with the Ravens, and the Harvard grad stepped back in and actually looked decent for the first time all season in a 24-16 victory. Smith has been diagnosed with a torn ACL, so it looks like Fitz (along with his league-leading 11 interceptions) has a temporary stranglehold on the starting job.
8. Frosted Tips
Q: What do Guy Fieri, *NSYNC, and Dolphins running back Jay Ajayi have in common? A: They’re all fucking awesome. Ajayi has put up historic numbers the last two weeks, following up his 204-yard breakout game against Pittsburgh in Week 6 with 214 yards in a win over Buffalo on Sunday. How good has Ajayi been? So good that Miami’s starting back decided it would be easier to retire than compete with these beautifully frosted tips for carries.
9. Rob Gronkowski
Gronk is averaging over 120 receiving yards per game since Tom Brady’s return as the Patriots are once again in the driver’s seat of the AFC. After catching his 68th career touchdown in Pittsburgh, the man-child tight end realized that his next TD would be #69…his favorite number. Never change, Robert, you sweet sweet boy… never change.
10. The Domestically Violent
I couldn’t let the week pass without a quick reminder that the NFL still can’t figure out how to feel about violence against women. The league is definitely anti-breast cancer, their stance on that is clear from all the pink, but when they have to decide how many games to suspend a known wife-beater they get very confused. Listen, I’m not an expert here, and there are definitely legal issues involved that are way over my head. But how about this… either Goodell and his bosses don’t care about their image, and they only suspend a player if convicted of a crime (like most companies and professions would), or they do care and institute a zero-tolerance policy for this shit.
Also Receiving Votes: Olivia Munn, Jordan Rodgers, JoJo Fletcher, A.J. Green, Matt Stafford, Melvin Gordon’s mother, Brock Osweiler’s agent, Fish, Chips, and Soccer.
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