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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Everybody’s Bookie

It was a wild week in the NFL that saw unpredictable outcomes and a lot of lost money. The Chiefs and Patriots both won but failed to cover their spreads, while overall the favorites went 7-8 straight up. Good luck if your tease included the Rams, Ravens, or Colts because all three lost outright despite being favored by between 6 to 10 points. Road dogs went 7-3, and if you didn’t take the Chargers in your survivor pool, you’re probably out.

After a Sunday like that its best to take a step back, not place any bets for a while, and reassess what you know (and don’t know) about football.

Or not.

2. The Transitive Property

In light of these recent outcomes its time to revisit the property we discussed last week. I know that when Team A beats Team B who had previously beaten Team C it does not necessarily mean that Team A is better than Team C, but isn’t it just more fun to live in a world where this is possible:


3. Minshew Mania

Coming in third is the guy who could claim the caboose spot on the train above. Long story short, it might be time for Nick Foles to update his résumé. Gardner Minshew has gone from a goofy internet phenomenon to a legitimate winner in the NFL. This week he took his show on the road to Mile High and left Denver with a dramatic win. Minshew threw for 213 yards and a pair of touchdowns, and most importantly did not turn the ball over. The Jags were down 24-23 with under a minute left but the gunslinger was cool under pressure and quickly got them into field goal range.

Minshew Mania travels to Carolina this week in a battle of turquoise Starter jackets from the mid-90s.

4. The Cleveland Browns Bandwagon


Last week I declared the Browns dead, this week they’re in first place. Hanging 40 points on the Ravens in Baltimore is a statement, and that offensive line that could barely inconvenience the Rams looked decent.

Am I ready to actually bet on these guys?

Browns +3.5 @ 49ers Monday night = LOCK OF THE WEEK!

5. Defense

The Patriots improved to 4-0 this week, but not due to the G.O.A.T. The D continues to carry the team, holding a feisty Bills team to 10 points. Credit to Buffalo though, they managed to actually score an offensive touchdown, something that the last four Patriots opponents (including the Rams) failed to do.

The Saints and Bears each won their third games, also thanks to their defensive units. New Orleans managed to beat Dallas 12-10 with a quartet of field goals, while the Bears kept the Vikings out of the end zone.*

*Correction: The Viking receivers found the end zone, but Kirk Cousins could not find them.

6. Danny Dimes

The Giants beat the winless Redskins 24-3 to get back to .500, which poses a series of interesting questions: Will Daniel Jones ever lose a game? Was Eli just terrible? Is it okay to turn the ball over multiple times in a game if you have a cool nickname? Is Duke a football school?

7. Nick Chubb Fantasy Owners

An erection caused by 183 yards and 3 touchdowns.
“To avoid long-term injury get medical help right away for a chubby lasting longer than the 4:00 games.”

8. Bye Week Bliss

The first two teams to have a bye this season were the Jets and 49ers, and it couldn’t have come at a better time for either team. In the case of the Jets, the bye meant that they could not lose this week. In the case of the Niners, a week off meant that their undefeated record would stay intact. The icing on the cake came when the Rams lost, vaulting Handsome Jimmy’s squad into first place.

9. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy

Better known by its street name of CTE, this is what happens to the brain when subjected to repeated impact. Week 4 was not kind to the brains of NFL players, as a few bells are likely still ringing from Sunday. In Buffalo it was Josh Allen who forgot that he was a quarterback and took a shot from Pats’ corner Jonathan Jones. In L.A. Marcus Peters returned an interception for a touchdown but was met in the end zone by the skull of a 400-pound offensive lineman.

The most egregious play from the weekend came from known headhunter Vontaze Burfict, who laid a late and entirely unnecessary hit on Colts TE Jack Doyle. The infraction cost Burfict his season, as the Raider linebacker was suspended for the next 12 games. Real shame, he seems like such a good dude.

10. The No. 1 Draft Pick Sweepstakes

Next week, on the NFL Power Rankings… The Bengals face their toughest test thus far, a date with the winless Cardinals. Are they truly tanking? Or are they here for the wrong reasons?… That’s all NEXT WEEK, on the NFL Power Rankings.


Born on the North Bank
King of the East Side
Fifty years strong, now he’s rollin’ in a sick ride
Handmade suits
Raking in loot
Five-star general, y’all best salute, yo
Bitches be catty
But the king’s my daddy
Rock all the haters while we go roll a fatty
Squiggle on the decks
Kenny on the rhymes
And Logan big ballin’ on Hamptons time

L to the OG
Dude be the OG
A-N he playin’
Playin’ like a pro, see
L to the OG
Dude be the OG
A-N he playin’
Playin’ like a pro

A1 ratings, 80K wine
Never gonna stop, baby, f— Father Time, bro
Don’t get it twisted
I’ve been through hell
But since I stan dad, I’m alive and well
Shaper of views
Creator of news
Father of many, paid all his dues
So don’t try to run
Your mouth at the king
Just pucker up, bitch, and go kiss the ring

L to the OG
Dude be the OG
A-N he playin’

When I say, L, you say O-G
L to the OG
L to the OG
L to the OG
L to the OG
L to the OG
L to the motherf—in’ OG

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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