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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. The Undefeated Chiefs
It is good to be king, even temporarily. The Chiefs are now the only 4-0 team in the league, and as the season unfolds, the “shocking” Week 1 result in Foxborough begins to make more sense. Alex Smith remains consistent, Kareem Hunt tallied another 121 all-purpose yards, and the Kareem Hunt Fantasy Owner continues to be the luckiest jerk in your league. BUT SPEAKING OF LUCKY…
2. Anyone Who Had KC -6.5
Football! Such a beautifully idiotic thing to care about. Yes Sean, that might be meaningful to some.
I happened to be one of the people on the happy side of this absolutely RIDICULOUS final play that lead to an inexplicable Chiefs cover. The Gambling Gods were either very good or very cruel to you late last night…or you’re not a degenerate and were sleeping soundly. Oh, and the over/under was either 48.5 or 49.5 depending on when you got it.
The National Council on Problem Gambling operates the National Problem Gambling Helpline Network (1-800-522-4700). The network is a single national access point to local resources for those seeking help for a gambling problem. The network consists of 28 call centers which provide resources and referrals for all 50 states, Canada and the US Virgin Islands. Help is available 24/7 and is 100 percent confidential.
3. Bills Mafia
The New England Patriots are going to win the AFC East this year. That is not a prediction, that is a fact. The sun will rise tomorrow morning and the morning after that, and the Pats will sit atop the division in December. That said, it is now October, and the 3-1 Bills are alone in first place. Their team isn’t that good, but they have arguably the best fans in football, so this shout out is for them. Enjoy it Buffalo!
4. Soccer
84,423 “fans” filled Wembley Stadium in London to watch the Saints and the Dolphins play a match of American football. They left with a new appreciation for their own national pastime. After enduring 19 penalties and watching the Dolphins gain only 186 total yards of offense they are probably a bit confused as to what the hype is all about. Congrats to the Saints for the ugliest 20-0 victory in league history…and a tip of the hat to Jay Cutler for going 100 percent on every play:
5. Whichever Quarterback Plays the Patriots
Alex Smith threw for 368 yards and 4 touchdowns in Week 1. Then Drew Brees went for 356 and 2 scores in Week 2. Rookie DeShaun Watson followed that up with 301 yards and a couple TDs of his own in Week 3. Finally, Cam Newton has BY FAR his best performance of the season on Sunday with 316 and 3. To say that Patriots have some cause for concern on the defensive side of the ball is a tepid understatement. Thankfully their offense can still score at will, they have a coach famous for adjustments, and as previously stated, they play in the AFC East.
6. L.A. Rams
Don’t look now but the stylin’, profilin’, limousine-riding, jet-flying Hollywood SHOWTIME Rams stormed into Jerry’s World and knocked off the ‘Boys. Todd Gurley did everything for L.A., gaining 215 yards on the ground and through the air and cementing himself as a legit star in this league. Oh, and don’t forget that their coach Sean McVay is only 31-years old, so you can make jokes like “Sean McVay was in 4th grade when Peyton Manning was forcibly putting his naked testicles on the face of a University of Tennessee athletic trainer, an incident that would be swept under the rug so well that many people reading this probably think I’m making it up!”
7. Anyone Who Is Still Alive In Their Survivor League
Shout out to everyone who played it safe and picked the biggest favorite on Sunday in your survivor pool. If you decided to get cute then you’re probably eliminated. Falcons lose at home to the Bills, Patriots lose at home to the Panthers, Cowboys lose at home to the Rams, and the Jets won! FOOTBALL IS SO MUCH FUN! WE’RE HAVING FUN!
8. The Giants or Chargers…Next Week
The bad news for the 0-8 combination of the New York Football Giants and the San Diego (no?) Chargers is that they have yet to taste victory in 2017. The good news for one of these alleged playoff contenders is that the losing streak ends this upcoming weekend! While the rest of America is watching RedZone (or another game, or a Bar Rescue marathon… or out apple picking) the Giants and Chargers will be battling for their first win… and to answer the question of which team really won the 2004 draft.
9. Wentz Wagon
All aboard!!! After a win in San Diego (L.A… whatever) the Iggles are flying high atop the NFC East. The only blemish on their schedule is the aforementioned Chiefs, and their second year QB has been solid. Wentz wasn’t the best redhead on Sunday (Andy Dalton threw 4 TDs) or even the best Carson (Palmer threw for 357 yards), but he is doing enough to win and to justify some new wagon artwork.
10. My Bookie
Despite the Anomaly at Arrowhead, I still took a bit of a haircut this weekend. One of my gambling approaches is to find a couple superior teams at home that are favored by 6-9 points and tease them down to even or under a field goal. That strategy doesn’t work very well when all the favorites lose outright. Back to the drawing board for Week 5… nobody likes a quitter.
In a completely unrelated but semi-related note the Power Rankings are accepting sponsorship(s)! This is a unique opportunity to have your local business featured as one of the Top 10 each week. Costs with vary based on placement and word count. Inquire within.
Also Receiving Votes: Colin Kaepernick, Andrew Luck, Breasts, Gingers, Overtime, Le’Veon Bell Fantasy Owners, Famous Jameis, The Dab, and Jack Del Rio’s Balls.
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