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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.

1. (Tie) Baltimore Ravens & Pittsburgh Steelers


As we descend upon the home stretch of the 2016 season, there are some familiar foes vying for the AFC North crown. The Ravens dominated the previously-hot Dolphins with a 38-6 win this week, while the Steelers won their third straight with a 24-14 victory over the Giants. Both teams sit at 7-5, and it looks like their Week 16 face-off in Pittsburgh will likely decide the division. Besides that, the Steelers have an easier schedule the rest of the way (@ Bills, @ Bengals, vs. Browns) as opposed to the Ravens (@ Patriots, vs. Eagles, @ Bengals). You won’t want to play either team in January, and based on how the AFC West is playing, it is very likely that whichever team doesn’t take the division will miss the playoffs altogether.

3. The South


The South divisions may be the two worst in the NFL, but they will absolutely bring the drama down the stretch. With the Colts win, Texans loss, and Titans bye week, there is now a three-way tie at 6-6 in the AFC South (the ugliest three-way since the most recent season of Orange is the New Black). On the NFC side, the Falcons lost a home game to KC while the Bucs won their fourth straight, setting up an interesting finish there as well. Atlanta gets the Rams and 49ers in the next two weeks, making them the favorites, but this is the division that sent a team to the playoffs with a losing record a couple years ago, so anything can happen.

4. The Dallas Cowboys


The ‘Boys won their 11th in a row, albeit in ugly fashion in a Thursday nighter that they easily could have lost. Dak didn’t throw any picks and played well enough to win, Zeke had another 100+ yard day with a score, etc. etc. As I said last week, this is now the spot where I put Dak into movie posters. Nothing more, nothing less.

As I look at this again it definitely reads like a gay porn, but I already did the work, so I’m not changing it now.

5. Snow


Relax Michael Irvin, not that kind. Week 13 saw the debut of a fun wrinkle in televised football: The Elements! We had a few snow angels, refs throwing excessive celebration flags for snow angels, some slipping and some sliding. All around good fun for the whole family. ‘Tis the season, after all.

6. Cleveland Browns on a Bye Week


You can’t lose if you don’t play! The Browns had the latest possible bye week, another merciless aspect of their dismal 0-12 season. But for the first time since Labor Day, Cleveland fans were able to wake up on Monday morning without the sting of defeat. Now that they have regrouped the Browns will host the Bengals, one of their four remaining opportunities to pick up a victory and avoid a winless season.

7. 49ers 2017 First Round Draft Pick


After beating the Rams 28-0 in Week 1, it looked like San Fran was poised for a respectable season. 11 straight losses later, and here they are vying for the #1 overall pick in April’s draft. Sunday’s game with Chicago was a test as to whether or not they were terrible enough to compete with the Browns and Jaguars for draft position, and with that 26-6 loss, they passed with flying colors. A Week 14 home game against the Jets looks like their biggest roadblock to a 1-15 season, so it will be interesting to see how the NFL’s basement stacks up (or stacks down) in the final month.

8. Justin Tucker


In a season in which kickers have repeatedly been the butt of jokes, Tucker stands above them all. He dropped a 55-yarder on Sunday and is a perfect 28/28 in field goals and 20/20 in extra points, restoring some pride in the disgraced position. As the Ravens make a playoff run their fate may very well rest on the skinny white leg of their team MVP.

9. My Bookie


Huge week for that guy. The 100 year storm of Chiefs vs. Falcons (or “Plunder The Under”) ended up going Over by 8 points, the Saints ruined every tease by failing to cover a half point, and then the “It’s 4:25 and I’m down, how can the Steelers and Giants not go Over!?! Free money!” bet officially buried me. It happens. In the words of T-Swizzle you just need to shake it off. Nobody likes a quitter.

10. Westworld


While it isn’t really football-related it is definitely Sunday-related, and as HBO’s new drama wraps up Season One it deserves a spot in the rankings. This show was awesome. If you never got into it and have 11 free hours I suggest that you start your binge. If you’re not into Sci-Fi you should still give it a try… I think all of this stuff is actually possible because of 3D printers and such. It is also a great way to bring philosophical conversations into your marriage about whether or not sex with robots is allowed.


Also Receiving Votes: Tom Brady, Brett Favre, Turtlenecks, Arnold, Wyatt, Eric Berry, Detroit Football and Jack Del Rio’s Calls.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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