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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.

1. Tom Brady


Throughout the NFL season, it’s easy to get lost in Jack Del Rio’s balls. To be distracted by missed extra points, gambling trends, and Dak Prescott. Sometimes we ignore that greatness is occurring right before our very eyes.

Including Tom Brady in a weekly tongue-in-cheek power rankings isn’t necessary. At this point, it is widely accepted that he is the G.O.A.T. But sometimes reflection is warranted, and TB12 gets the top spot this week after winning his 200th career game, tying Peyton Manning for the most in NFL history. If (when) Brady plays 3 more seasons he will likely pass Manning in career touchdown passes and passing yards as well, cementing himself as both the greatest winner (with the most rings) and the best passer (statistically) that the game has ever seen.

Also, let’s not forget that he is one of the best lead blockers in the game.

2. Colin Kaepernick


Fidel Castro is said to have survived over 600 assassination attempts during his lifetime, but all it took was an endorsement from a douchebag hipster for him to decide that life was not worth living. Without getting too political, I think we can agree that Cuba’s dictator was a bad dude, so congrats to Kaepernick for finally taking him out. Our country has a very serious problem with the way that African-Americans are treated, especially by law enforcement, and anything that amplifies that conversation is a positive thing. HOWEVER, Kaepernick’s disjointed protest is at times as inaccurate as his horrific attempts at throwing a football. But he killed Castro, so he gets the #2 spot.

3. The Dallas Cowboys


I’ve run out of things to say about America’s Team. They beat the Redskins on Thanksgiving, they’ve won 10 in a row, they have the best record in the league. The only reason that their quarterback won’t win Offensive Rookie of the Year honors is because their running back is possibly the best player in the league. For the rest of the season I will just be inserting Dak Prescott into movies that rhyme with his name. Not too complicated, see the ball hit the ball. FYI, this image market tested much better than New Dak City:


4. John Harbaugh


Johnny read the rule book! It was less than two years ago that the Ravens head coach cried like a baby after losing a playoff game to the Patriots, upset because they used some tricky (totally legal) formations that confused him and his staff. Flash forward to Sunday, when Harbaugh executed a sly (but totally legal) method of winning the game: Just hold everybody on the final play, commit 10 penalties, and run the clock out… the game can’t end on a defensive penalty but it can certainly end on many offensive ones! That’s one way to turn sour grapes into ‘member berries.

5. (Tie) Jameis Winston / Marcus Mariota

(December 27, 2014) - Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston (left) and Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota (right), the two most recent Heisman Trophy winners, pose with Mickey Mouse in front of Mickey's Fun Wheel in Disney California Adventure park in Anaheim, Calif., on Saturday during their teams' first official Rose Bowl Game week appearance. (Scott Brinegar/Disneyland) (PRNewsFoto/Disneyland Resort)

It’s time to give these second year QBs some love and admit that they’re probably the best QB tandem (so far) to ever be drafted 1st & 2nd overall. Winston pulled off a huge win over the Seahawks to improve to 6-5 and insert the Bucs into the conversation for the #6 seed. Mariota notched a road win in Chicago and has his team poised to overtake the reeling Texans in the pathetic AFC South. Will they each get MURDERED on Wild Card Weekend if they do make the playoffs? Yes, definitely. But that is still an exceptional Year 2 ROI for fan bases that haven’t sniffed the Super Bowl since Steve McNair was alive.

7. Russell Westbrook


Yeah this is technically cheating because Westbrook doesn’t play in the NFL, but he needs to be mentioned this week. THE DUDE IS AVERAGING A TRIPLE DOUBLE! We’re over a month into the season and through 19 games Russ is averaging 30+ points, 11+ assists, and 10+ rebounds. The last guy to put up numbers like this was Oscar Robertson in like 1963 or something. Unreal shit. OK back to football.

8. The Chiefs Over


Well that was quick. Usually the “Stiriti Stink” doesn’t happen that fast, but less than a week after praising their incredible streak of 6 straight Under totals, the Chiefs completely blew it up by combining with Denver for 57 in the aforementioned overtime thriller. Before we all start singing “Candle in the Wind,” I urge you to look ahead to next week… That’s right sports fans, it’s Chiefs vs. Falcons! Both of my Under Wonders playing against each other on the same field! Under 49.5 = Stone Cold Steel Iron Lead Pipe Mortal Lock of the Century! (But probably not, who knows).

9. The Next Eagles Head Coach


It was a great week for all of the best NFL coaching candidates as a high-profile position just opened in Philly. Tough to pinpoint exactly when Doug Pederson officially lost the season (and probably his job), but I’m guessing it was on Monday night. More specifically, right around the time he used his last challenge early in the second half to get back a meaningless 2 yards. He then lost the game 27-13 to a depleted Packers team and dropped to 5-6, last in the NFC East, and all but out of the playoff picture.

10. Bears Security Guy


Last week Bernie Beaudry stole the show by getting trampled by the Vikings, and this week we need to finish up with a shout out to the Chicago security guard who got an unexpected surprise while guarding the end zone. Here he is, minding his own business with his back turned to the action, as a nameless Bears wide receiver dropped (another) ball and angrily kicked it right into his butt. Right in his butt.


Also Receiving Votes: Big Ben, Antonio Brown, Miami, Hotlanta, The Circling of Wagons, Drew Brees, Jack Del Rio’s Balls, Clay Matthews, Sunday Night Football, and Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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