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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. 

*Perhaps monthly, we’ll see…

1. Kansas City Chiefs

We begin the new season right where we left old one, with the Chiefs in the top spot. They kicked off the 2020 campaign by destroying the Texans in the Thursday night opener. Andy Reid was thrilled when someone told him what had happened.


2. Bill Belichick

Tom Brady, Jimmy Garoppolo, Jacoby Brissett, Brian Flores, Matt Patricia, and Bill O’Brien combined to start the season 0-6. Belichick starts 1-0, as he does. And so it goes.


3. Cam Newton



4. Aaron Rodgers

His 364 yards and 4 touchdowns made for an impressive start to the 2020 season. The year 2020 has been difficult for most of us, but not for Aaron, who has been social distancing from his family for years.


5. The Regular Season Ravens

What was that?? NOT a playoff game, you say!?! Well then, LET’S GO!


6. Rob Gronkowski

Gronk the wrestler, not the tight end.


7. Jason Garrett

So maybe it wasn’t him? Maybe it’s just the Cowboys? Sorry Dallas.


8. Anti-Racism

The Washington Football Team is undefeated since dropping the racial slur in favor of a more benign moniker.


9. Cleveland Apple Orchards

There is nothing left for Browns fans to do but pick up a pumpkin latte, go apple picking, and try to enjoy the fall season.


10. Detroit GrubHub Drivers

I feel like this guy needs a nickname… Fat Patricia? Matt Fatricia? The Human Quarantine?


Also Receiving Votes: Big Ben, Josh Jacobs Fantasy Owners, Mitch “4th Quarter” Trubisky, Mr. Unliiiiimited, Minshew Mania, Faking Injuries, Whichever Team Gets To Play The Jets, Stephen Gostkowski’s Psychiatrist, Alvin Kamara’s Bank Account, and The Beautiful New L.A. Stadium That Nobody Will Ever Get To Go To.

Mike Stiriti

Mike Stiriti once dreamed of anchoring SportsCenter back when that was a thing. Now he just tries to be funny.

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