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The 2020 NFL Draft is tonight (and all weekend… we get it NFL, you have a tiny dick) and the internet is filled with mock drafts in preparation. Your friends at The Prompt Mag got in on the fun, creating a Mock Mock Draft, picking insults for each of the “esteemed” NFL franchises.
1) Cincinnati Bengals
Watching Joe Exotic was essentially Bengals Hard Knocks, with more likable characters.
2) Washington Redskins
JD Power and Associates Worst Organization in Washington, 50 years running.
3) Detroit Lions
Matt Stafford has been in the NFL for over 10 years, and still no one knows whether he’s good, mediocre, or terrible as a quarterback. Talk about versatile.
4) New York Giants
I would rather watch 16 games’ worth of Kate Mara’s Fantastic Four than her uncle John’s football team play for a single second.
5) Miami Dolphins
Sometimes I wonder why the Dolphins don’t just play their games on a cruise ship so we can kill two birds with one stone.
6) Los Angeles Chargers
So pathetic, Tom Brady chose to go to Tampa Bay rather than Los Angeles.
7) Carolina Panthers
It’s weird when a team was more likable and interesting before their notably racist owner died.
8) Arizona Cardinals
When you’re a Cardinals player, do you think you just root for the season-ending injury to happen early?
9) Jacksonville Jaguars
If you were a Jaguars fan, and you were waiting for this season to start, wouldn’t you still be going to Florida beaches with reckless abandon too?
10) Cleveland Browns
You think the Browns are more embarrassed to be in Cleveland or do you think Cleveland is more embarrassed to have the Browns?
11) New York Jets
Do the New York Jets qualify for the airline bankruptcy bailout?
12) Las Vegas Raiders
Congrats to Las Vegas for inheriting the Circus Circus casino of football teams.
13) San Francisco 49ers (from Indianapolis Colts)
Another exciting year of ground and pound for Jimmy Garoppolo’s porn star girlfriends.
14) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Sloppy seconds of New England’s aging MILFs… what more could you ask for in a Florida franchise?
15) Denver Broncos
Vonn Miller’s coronavirus test: the only positive result for Denver in years.
16) Atlanta Falcons
Do you know how bad you have to be to NOT be a contender for the NFC South?
17) Dallas Cowboys
It’s a really great time to be known as “America’s team!”
18) Miami Dolphins (from Pittsburgh Steelers)
Miami Sound Machine, except it’s all boos.
19) Las Vegas Raiders (from Chicago Bears)
The Bears didn’t trust themselves to botch this pick to its full potential, so they’ve opted to let the experts handle it.
20) Jacksonville Jaguars (from L.A. Rams)
Name something fun about the Jaguars without mentioning Jason Mendoza.
21) Philadelphia Eagles
The answer to the question: What’s less likable than coronavirus?
22) Minnesota Vikings (from Buffalo Bills)
Lizzo has done more for this team than any player in decades.
23) New England Patriots
Finally the world will get to see if the Patriots success was because of Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, or—in all likelihood—the rampant cheating.
24) New Orleans Saints
No glaring needs for a stacked Saints team, except for the ability to win a single playoff game over an inferior team. But I’m not sure you can get that this late in the first round.
25) Minnesota Vikings
LIBERATE MINNESOTA!
26) Miami Dolphins (from Houston Texans)
Such a terrible organization and team that it actually makes it difficult to enjoy Ace Ventura.
27) Seattle Seahawks
Who do you think wears more cargo shorts? Pete Carroll or Russell Wilson?
28) Baltimore Ravens
Lamar Jackson is so fast… at getting knocked out of the playoffs.
29) Tennessee Titans
The only thing worse than being quarantined would be if you were quarantined after cutting your penis off because your team won the Super Bowl. So that’s a win for Mike Vrabel I suppose.
30) Green Bay Packers
Aaron Rodgers has been practicing social distancing from his family for years.
31) San Francisco 49ers
The 49ers picked a really bad Super Bowl to choke away, since it may be the last one we ever see.
32) Kansas City Chiefs
At least when Andy Reid bungles a timeline, everyone’s grandmas aren’t in peril.
Which of our insults performed the best in this mock mock draft? Got anything to add? Get in on the conversation over at @thepromptmag.
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