Surprise! David Duke is the The All-Starriest All-Star on the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars

First, there was Moonlight Graham. Then came the namesake: Reggie Cleveland.

The brainchild of ESPN’s jilted problem child Bill Simmons, “The Reggie Cleveland All-Stars” is a list of athletes—or, for my purposes today, notables—whose names belie their racial identities.

Think Khalil Greene. Mack Brown. Kiko Alonso.

Forgive the brevity of this list; I’ve resorted to Sporcle to do my research. ESPN’s gone and wiped clean any traces of Bill Simmons.

So let’s take it from sports to entertainment.

Scotland’s own international DJ producer (hey look, even that name’s been upgraded) exchanged his given name, Adam Richard “Could I Be Any Whiter” Wiles, in a wild clamor to join The Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. Of the decision, he admitted, “My first single was more of a soul track, and I thought Calvin Harris sounded a bit more racially ambiguous. ”

(Source:direct link,indirect link with excellent editorial comment on the matter & more)

Racially ambiguous, sure. But his motives were just like Crystal Pepsi: clear, with a secret wish to be brown.

But, Calvin Harris, LaMarr Hoyt, and your ilk: please take a seat. For I have uncovered the All-Star to end all Reggie Cleveland All-Stars. The Imperial Wizard, if you will.

David Duke: your name is better suited for a black man.

White David Duke spent his formative years bouncing from one blonde haven to another. Oklahoma. The Netherlands. The f*cking Klan. And when that wasn’t explicit enough, he invented his own little “safe place” on campus, the White Youth Alliance.

Black David Duke is so appalled, he’s moving all his family from Chatham to Zambia.

White David Duke was arrested in 1972 for inciting a riot. Then, he ran for public office enough times to wear down voters and sneak into a Louisiana House seat for one term. Good God, is he actually trying to do it again?!

Black David Duke was arrested for not wearing his seat belt. He was brought down to central booking, kept overnight in a holding cell, and released when sniffer dogs couldn’t find anything nefarious in his Corolla. He’s never run for anything more than a 5K. Maybe someday.

Never one for decorum or subtlety, White David Duke started another pro-Anglo abomination, the National Association for the Advancement of White People, whose name, of course, was inspired by a group that granted Black David Duke a college scholarship.

On the subject of education, White David Duke took his xenophobia international, pursuing a Ph. D. from the private (read: unaccredited) Ukrainian university Interregional Academy of Personnel Management, nicknamed “University of Hate.” This was a period of personal growth for him, expanding the targets of his intolerance to also include Jews.

Black David Duke earned his Bachelor’s degree and MBA in just five years through an accelerated program at Kelley School of Business. No noteworthy opinions on Jews, outside of having attended a Lenny Kravitz concert not too long ago. (Double-whammy, take that!)

Black David Duke’s other interests include cooking, coaching his son’s baseball team, and right now he’s binge-watching Mr. Robot.

White David Duke is more hack than hacker, avidly participating in a glorified chatroom called Stormfront, with the twisted, astigmatic tagline: “We are the voice of the new, embattled White minority!” Black David Duke sees the irony of one of Stormfront’s founding members being named Don Black. (Self-loathing, much?)

White David Duke describes himself as a “racial realist.” My David Duke edited that copy for accuracy: racial realist.

And while he may get a fleeting look of acknowledgement on the name he shares with a monster, within 10 minutes of meeting new faces, Black David Duke becomes the only David Duke anyone should want to know.

As for me, I’m left wishing White David Duke’s plastic face would unzip in a Scooby-Doo-meets-Dave-Chappelle way to reveal him as the Black White Supremacist he is.