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Boy, has society changed! And our beloved NFL must change with it. Out with the Lions and Tigers and Bears! I propose a bold new rebranding campaign with franchise names that reflect the true essence of what we’ve become. 

Here’s a sneak peek….

Washington Commanders (seriously?)

We’ll give the commies a mulligan here… social media’s been brutal enough. Say hello to the Washington Gridlock, a team with an ineffective offense and a defense singularly focused on ensuring the other team’s offense can’t get anything done. The Gridlock’s philosophy is that winning is great, but the other guy winning is simply unacceptable. This team will be defined not by wins or losses, but TIES. Nobody ever wins, and THAT sad fact is always the other team’s fault.

Denver Broncos

It all started with the great state of Colorado. So now that it’s legal, we introduce the Denver High. Mile HIGH stadium will offer a whole new fan experience with Doobie & Brownie® concessions and weekend-long Grateful Dead tailgates. Manic screaming will be replaced with a friendlier, more inclusive vibe as totally baked fans talk, nap, and laugh incoherently through the games’ most intense moments.

Seattle Seahawks

From the city that revolutionized coffee in America, the Seahawks reinvent themselves as the Seattle Latte, a jittery team that overwhelms opponents with red-eyed, relentlessly hyper-caffeinated aggressiveness. Between the Venti and Grande blitz packages and the turbo-charged Double-Espresso two-minute drills, this team keeps the steaming hot coffee metaphors frothing.

Indianapolis Colts

Football is here to stay in the Bible Belt. “The temperate retain their self-control to compete for an imperishable crown” (1 Cor 9:25). And make no mistake, the Indianapolis Evangelicals will ultimately prevail, because they believe their victory is God’s will. As they take Pence Field with prayerful focus, they’ll be sure to avoid the salacious worldly triggers that will surely doom their wicked opponents.

Minnesota Vikings

The Land of 10,000 Lakes looks to put Leif Erickson aside and cash in on all that civic goodwill from Derrick Chauvin and Kyle Rittenhouse. Welcome into the arena the Minnesota Malice, a team that will beat you down until you lose the will to compete. Tacklers strip both your football AND your civil rights. They’ll be the first NFL team to wear body cams, which mysteriously turn off right before contact.

Houston Texans

Back in the day, it was the old AFL’s Houston Oilers. Since they slithered off to Tennessee, the oil business has changed radically. No wind farms or solar panels required to fire up these new-look Houston Frackers, a team that promises to hydroblast their way through the competition. What this team lacks in progressive playmaking, they more than make up for with a (quite literally) breath-taking carbon footprint.

Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta is a team that wins and loses in about equal measure. But when one of those losses is razor close, their motto is… Never Believe The Score! Welcome back to the Georgia Dome, the Atlanta Recount, a team unafraid to hold players and officials on the field for hours after close losses until EVERY play gets video-reviewed. If they lose by 4, team technicians scour the tape to “just find” that one touchdown needed for victory.

Jacksonville Jaguars / New York Giants

Leave it to Bezos to sweep in and lead the most revolutionary innovation. The Jags and Giants are headed quite literally To The Moon! Both teams royally suck right now, so the NFL is giving them 2022 off for space training. Be sure to get out to the launchpad early and wave to the Jacksonville Jedi’s and New York Sith, the first NFL teams to show us football in 16.7 percent gravity. With deep balls expected to possibly travel 1.2 miles a toss, Jedi fan fave Trevor Lawrence hopes to eclipse the NFLs career passing yardage record by his second intergalactic game.

Devin Householder

Devin is passionate about writing, reading and remaining in emotionally harmful relationships with losing sports teams. He suffers quietly (except on Sundays) with his loving wife and daughter in Rhode Island.

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