It’s almost Halloween, and across the nation, overstimulated, fear-mongering conservative, fun-hating parents are finding ways to bring terror to the trick-or-treating experience. Their big myth? That people are lacing candy with fentanyl.
In response, the cleverest of us (on Twitter and of The Prompt), are coming up with our own greatest fears, snuck into candy. Here’s what we came up with.
check your kids halloween candy. my cousin found the assassination of archduke franz ferdinand in sarajevo by serbian nationalist gavrilo princip inside a snickers bar pic.twitter.com/3EgySLKapD
— ret (@rad_milk) October 18, 2021
Parents: For the love of all things holy, check your kids’ Halloween candy this year. A friend of mine recently found a 1909 Honus Wagner tobacco card in the middle of a Twix bar. Even with the card partially coated in caramel, it’s expected to fetch six-figures at auction later this year.
Parents, beware! This trick-or-treat, do not let your children eat a bite of candy without checking the chocolates first. My second cousin twice removed found the “Where’s the Beef ” lady, aka Clara Peller, hanging out inside her kid’s Three Musketeers bar. Apparently that redhead Wendy sent her off on a wild goose chase and one wrong turn on Frosty Lane has had her searching her way through caramel, cream, and chocolate ever since. Can you believe it? The poor woman still hasn’t found the beef after all this time.
Pro tip: she may look old, but she is spry. Try to direct her to a pack of ground beef before she burrows into the next bar.
Children, let’s be very careful with the candy this Halloween. My niece found the coronation of Napoleon I of France in her Snickers bar. No words. Absolutely floored.
Our neighbor, old Mr. Charleston, gave each of our children a full-sized Charleston Chew. What a treat, right? It was also an unexpected Halloween lesson in irony.
We soon learned the clever senior didn’t stop there.
Once we opened the candy bars, we found that each one contained a handwritten letter from Mr. Charleston telling a story about the time he met Charlton Heston in Charleston, S.C. at a riverboat restaurant called Chew.
Check your kids’ Halloween candy. My cousin found non-threatening and generally well-liked homosexuals Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka inside a Snickers bar.
Friends, Romans, countrymen: check your kids’ Halloween candy. JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon found a very, very serious mix of headwinds likely to tip both the U.S. and global economy into recession six to nine months from now inside his Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. “To guess is hard, be prepared,” he warned.
Parents, you must check your kids Halloween candy this year. Someone on NextDoor said they found a Gender Neutral Bathroom in their kid’s pack of Starbursts! Groomers are everywhere these days!
Serves them right for getting the All Pinks pack!