MINIPROMPT: Fictional Candidates (Other than Santa Claus) in Alaska’s Congressional Primary

The Alaska Congressional Primary is really something special this year. Not only are there 51 candidates vying for one seat, but they’ve also got one man who had changed his name to Santa Claus, who is running as a Democratic Socialist. 

So we asked our staff:

What other mythical creatures would run for Congress, and with what party would they be affiliated? Choose a mythical/legendary creature, create their platform, and assign them to a party. Here’s what they came up with. 

(Huge shout out to Sarah Razner for the idea!)

Sarah Razner

Tooth Fairy

Party: Moderate Democrat

Platform: Tooth Fairy, former chairperson of the Bicuspid, Maryland Village Board, is a staunch believer in the need for universal dental care. Tooth Fairy would like to make this a worldwide mandate (shout out to the Brits), but hopes to take it from a dream to a reality in the United States first. While very vocal on the need for fluoride in the water supply—strong teeth create a strong society—Tooth Fairy’s beliefs on universal health care are like their personal snaggletooth—something they try to hide, but only make worse by doing so. Ever elusive, reporters have yet to pin them down on an answer. Instead, the Tooth Fairy always pivots to the terrible conditions they have witnessed during their tooth collections of children living in poverty, which, like a corn kernel wedged between two molars, they also hope to floss out of society.

Ben Chavez

Easter Bunny – Republican, moderate – Utah

The Easter Bunny appeals to the religious right, due to his connection with Jesus, but also calls to the moderates with his fiscal conservative policies. He is pro-life, again due to his whole connection with Jesus coming back from the cross. He is a big proponent of the children, as he would like to increase funding for education, including charter schools. He also has proposed a large initiative for getting kids outside to enjoy all the natural beauty in Utah. He is always sharply dressed, a la Mitt Romney, who was in fact, his mentor. He has a rather large presence on Twitter.

Dan Farkas

They gathered for the party. There were cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, smooth jazz and camaraderie. Conversation turned to politics. Murmurs evolved to spirited discussions. Civil discourse held its own as the partygoers worked to consider their common interests instead of focusing on polarization. The guest list included a who’s who of fictional characters.

The Know Nothings counted Mr. Peanut among their core

While the Libertarians claimed their stance was one none could abhor

The Cat in the Hat engaged the lone Democrat

While the Republicans argued guns and taxes, tit-for-tat

Superman bragged on the Party of Lincoln

No one could quite follow what he was thinkin’

Bullwinkle boasted with glee as a Bull Moose

As Darth Vader plotted ruling the roost

The debates continued, convivial and chummy

…until 45 arrived and asked for their money.

Jay Heltzer

“…and that is why I, Bigfoot, am announcing my candidacy for Montana’s 1st Congressional District. Questions?”

“Mr. Foot?”

“It’s one name, Bigfoot. Like Sacagewea, Sting… Bigfoot.”

“Yes, Mr. Bigfoot–”

“I don’t adhere to the binary gender system.”

“My bad. Mx. Bigfoot, what political party will you be aligned with?”

“Green Party.”

“Why now?”

“Because Big Sky Country needs a big thinker and there ain’t no bigger thinker than me. And look at these feet! Not gonna leave our honorable landscape to some size 10 small thinker. Cindy?”

“What are your biggest campaign issues?”

“Finding hotels that have a big enough bed.”

“I mean what promises will you make to your constituents?”

“Yeah, uh… environment stuff, reduce the number of hunting licenses, maybe open a few more race tracks–”

“There are reports you are known under several aliases: Sasquatch, Yeti, Momo–”

“I’ve addressed that issue in the past. They’re cousins–”

“Britney Spears…”

“NO MORE QUESTIONS!”

+++

Devin Householder

Minnesota Star Tribune

7th district: Meet The Candidates

Democratic Challenger: Olaf Larsen

MST: Let’s talk about your candidacy for the 7th District. They’ve gone Democratic for over 30 years. Then Trump came along and things went red. Why are you running?

Olaf: (turns to hug the interviewer, big smile) There… I always start with hugs. Now, where were we? (smile fades) Fischbach. Michelle Fischbach. She’s not a nice person. I hear she’s a snow hater. Can you believe that? In this state of all places?

MST: You started out way up north in Koochichling County. Tell us about your political journey.

Olaf: A little boy named Brian Keene rolled me into existence right in front of the little town hall building back in 1998. In 2002, I won a seat on the town council. By 2004, I was the town treasurer. Then…

MST: Then, well I guess Hollywood called. How’d that come about?

Olaf: I always had some, well, quirky capabilities. (straightening his carrot nose) Like, well… (separates his head and body sections, continues talking) there was this casting call for some really specific character traits. I read for it cold… pardon the pun, and beat out maybe a thousand other snowmen. Still can’t believe how big it all was.

MST: And now you’re back here in Minnesota where it all began. Is it cool enough out here? (We’re standing by a lake at 4 A.M., but it’s a balmy 44 degrees fahrenheit).

Olaf: I’m great, really (water literally running off his forehead). Most people don’t realize I don’t actually do summer.

MST: You’re polling strong so far, but the pundits say things are going to tighten up. What specific issues are you campaigning on?

Olaf: Global warming is like, really… uh… my thing (giggle). Also, I’m very against everyone having guns everywhere. Violent crime is personal to me. I can’t tell you how many times I was randomly impaled by hooligans in front of the Koochichling Town Hall.

MST: Your campaign slogan is “Let It Go.” How does that connect to your political vision for Minnesota?

(Kristen Bell and Idina Menzel suddenly appear, singing in low volume)

🎵 …THE SNOW GLOWS WHITE ON THE MOUNTAIN TONIGHT…🎵

Olaf: I don’t know. (giggles) I’ll bet people will vote for anything with a catchy song.

(singing continues, louder to fade)  

🎵…NOT A FOOTPRINT TO BE SEEN A KINGDOM OF ISOLATION AND IT LOOKS LIKE I’M THE QUEEN …🎵

Eric Mochnacz

Ever since the Babadook was forced out of the closet by being named a gay horror icon, he has “leaned in.”

He is a progressive liberal, and when he isn’t scaring the shit out of families while also serving as an analogy for the trauma of single motherhood, you can find him feverishly crocheting pink pussy hats, stumping for Bernie Sanders, and petitioning to get cannabis federally legalized and minor offenders released from prison.

The Babadook slays but also does the work to improve our democracy.