The beans are picked, roasted, and ground. The water is hot. But when it comes to flavor, you are your own blend. We asked our writers here at The Prompt to describe themselves as a cup of coffee. Want to add your own? Join in the Twitter or Threads conversation at @thepromptmag.
Hafferty is heavy-bodied high-mountain coffee with an aroma of dark chocolate and cinnamon. This complex roast has a delicate, silky mouthfeel and suggests at moments of subtle spices then a chocolatey flavor-saturated finish. Pairs well with quiet mornings, black-and-white movies, and a good book about the end of the world.
I’m an unpicked crop, withering in the fields while the world hides at home, protecting themselves from the plague, wondering if I’ll ever get roasted, ground, and brewed into a dark, dreamy aroma worthy of your lips.
Put… Mike… Down. Mike is for closers, only. Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from the West Village. I’m here from Murray’s Cheese Shop. And I’m here on a mission of mercy.
I, like all coffee really, you aficionados aren’t fooling anyone, can only be enjoyed, nay, tolerated, when I am masked with some other, actually good flavor. That is why I am a dirty chai latte with two shots. Strong enough to be noticed and enjoyed, but cut with some sweetness, which is what we all really long for, so that everyone you interact with for the rest of the day isn’t put off by your stale, gutter-mouthed breath.
Erin is a scalding hot, medium roast with an extra shot of espresso—bold, unpretentious flavor with a lot of energy packed into one efficient cup of goodness. You’ll have all the caffeine you need to get through your day of overachieving, nonstop talking, and the ability to cross everything off your to-do list.
This cup of coffee is an old soul, a cappuccino whose unique aroma you first detected in a mysterious Rome alleyway. It’s tangy and sweet, frothy and rich, and sips oh-so-smoothly. Enjoy this one while you can; while satisfying, it leaves you wanting more, like a Vespa disappearing around the corner.
Nicole is a light roast, as she hopes to please and win over anyone who might not like her. This is why she’s flavored—something as close to universally enjoyed as possible, like salted caramel. She’s sweet, probably too sweet for some, with more than a splash of milk—enough to make her a shade or two darker than a Werther’s Original caramel.
[Note: This isn’t necessarily the way I drink my coffee, for all you judgmental jackals.]
I’m 1:30 A.M., Battle Mountain, Nevada, I-80 adjacent, truck stop coffee. Large-scale mining drainage ditch runoff, brewed in the discarded muffler of a 1991 Saturn S-Series, spiked with three silica desiccant packets masquerading as sugar and a scoop of powdered creamer hand-labeled HALFnHALF (because it’s half baking soda, half crumbled drywall), self-spigoted into a bomb shelter of a styrofoam cup with an it-should-fit-but-it-won’t carnival game for a lid, 69¢ for an extra large, because of course, of course, why not. Coffee that gets you safely to the Motel 6 and Livestocks Events Center in Reno.
Sarah is a medium roast coffee blend, which depending on the day, will have the energy of either Tigger or Winnie the Pooh after he’s wrestled himself out of a honey pot. This is a drink that wants to be hot chocolate overflowing with marshmallows, but knows it needs to make some kind of effort to be healthy, so instead enhances its warm flavor with more than a splash of creamer. Mild enough to be sipped on throughout the day, it’s a coffee best enjoyed with a book or a drama-fest on Vanderpump Rules.
Jillian is an plain ol’ drip coffee. Reliable yet unpredictable (if that doesn’t make sense to you, you don’t drink coffee).
Adaptable to any number of additives, from milk to mocha; ice cubes to fresh lemon (don’t knock it till you try it).
And most notably, if you’re a daily drinker forced to go an entire week without me (maybe you’re in Europe where anything less than espresso is called les incompétents) you would do anything to have me back!
Josh is a coffee store. More specifically, a coffee spite store, just hoping that all this work will make life at least 30 percent worse for my enemies. Like Latte Larry’s, I don’t care much about the coffee or the pastries or the bathrooms. I’m just smiting my enemy in any way possible.
Is a spite store really the best idea, in this day and age? Aren’t we supposed to be finding zen and seeing the bigger picture? Maybe. But also, fuck my enemies.
David? Curveball: that bitch is a tea. A peppery perky Assam that’ll make you forget about that gritty bitter dishwater drink. How can tea compete with coffee, you ask? I’m glad you did. Because tea is sophisticated and sensual. Tea is subtle, graceful, and demure. Tea is prized the world over: from Meghan Markle to Mulan. She can take your sugar and your dairy and even your honey, honey, but never lose that earthy zest. Enjoy that bitch as a toasty tipple in the St. Moritz cabin, or as a cooling salve in the sun of St. Tropez. Be she hot or cold, mild or intense, just be sure to never spill her…