I know what you must be thinking…
Vhat could possibly scare me, Count Dracula, undead blood sucker and monster extraordinaire?
Look, I’ve struck my fair share of fear into zhe hearts of unsuspecting Transylvanians, draining zhem of zheir blood and life forces.
But nothing drains me quite like when zhe sun sets on a Sunday night. So while you’re all meal prepping and doing skin care and trying to stave off zhe existential dread of yet another vork veek beginning, I am awakening from my slumber during ze daylight, removing my eye mask, moaning and groaning because this is when my verk veek begins.
I have to close my vindows sometimes, because I can smell the garlic coming from everyone sitting down for zheir Sunday sauce. Zhat’s one thing I’ll definitely be avoiding, zhank you very much!
Vhile I am impervious to most mortal conditions, escaping zhe Sunday Scaries, (vhich hit me a whole night earlier than you humans. I am one step ahead as alvays) is not possible.
And now, as spooky season looms, vhen I’m at my busiest… zhe Sunday scaries are hitting harder zhan any other time of zhe year.
I’m not going to lie, scaring people is one way I combat zhe dreaded Sunday scaries. Sometimes, I’ll pop out at a person from a dark alley, bare my fangs, and hiss, just for zheir reaction. You may have seen some of my vork on YouTube or TikTok, some of my best vork has gone “viral,” as zhey say.
Going out for a midnight snack to quench my undying thirst for blood admittedly does help. You shouldn’t be shocked by zhis admission. I’m Dracula, I drink blood, it’s my whole thing. And it’s important to stay hydrated! I’ve seen the skincare products you humans use, some of zhem even look like blood! But alas… nothing hits like zhe real thing.
Meal prep for vampires is a little more complicated. Sure, I could bring blood bags vith me to take leftovers. But it’s a whole process, and leftover blood never tastes as good on zhe fourth or fifth day of it. Zhese are zhe things we do when we have a busy week. See, I’m just like you!
I’d rather be out stalking prey, listening to the children of zhe night, and what music they make.
I don’t vant to go back to vork, don’t vant to do chores, don’t vant to have to keep coming up with vays to defeat Van Helsing, for “real life” to return.
My veekdays are boring… stalking around my castle… making sure I have enough dirt in my coffin… ironing my cape… plotting who to kill next, who to trick, and who to marry, even. (Zhe brides are on a month-long retreat in Bali. No phones, no internet! A full detox. I can’t imagine. And it gets lonely in the castle without zhem, you know.)
Zhese chores are boring, but necessary. Nail care gets a bit tedious. Vhere is zhe adventure, zhe romance?
Veekends are full of possibility, of excitement, of hearts pounding, and blood, gallons and gallons of blood!
Sometimes, in particularly troubling cases of zhe Sunday scaries, I go on Zillow and look up real estate in other countries and cities. Not zhat Transylvania isn’t lovely, it’s just… I could use a change of pace.
London zeems exciting, it’s so big and lively! I always work myself up and imagine zhese other ways my life could have turned out. Like, vhat if instead of a vampire who turns into a bat or a wolf who wishes to feast upon the living, I was a bookshop owner in Notting Hill, and lived in a lovely little flat with a funny roommate, like Hugh Grant in zhe movie, Notting Hill?
And I don’t really know zhat much about travel books, like Hugh’s character in zhe movie. Zhe logistics and reality of moving alvays get in zhe way. But maybe someday, I’ll make it to London.
Alas, zhere’s no vay to keep zhe Sunday scaries at bay forever. (And vhen you’re immortal, forever is a long time!)
Vhether it be Sunday night for me, or Monday morning for you humans, ve all have to vake up and face zhe music at some point.
Ve’re all in zhis together. Don’t forget to practice self-care.
And remember, if you’re looking to try out a new recipe this Sunday, stay away from garlic, and iron is good for zhe blood.