There is a new threat to psychological well-being of the human race known as UDP, or unsolicited dick pics. Extensive research shows that 97.8 percent of all Instagram models and “models” are afflicted by UDP. At least 50 percent of all civilians have been victims of UDP as well.
The good news is that help is out there. In order to fully comprehend how the treatment actually works, we need to understand the root cause of UDP, which is traced back to toxic masculinity (TM). Not everyone that suffers from TM has displayed symptoms of UDP, but every person that shows signs of UDP does suffer from TM.
A disease linked to men with low self-esteem. Signs of TM may include but are not limited to: neckbeards, fedoras, dressing like Guy Fieri, and blind rage after holding a door open for someone and not being immediately rewarded with sex.
To properly diagnose toxic masculinity, pay attention to the patient’s penis size, which can range from just below average to small to borderline microscopic.
Quite easily, through education and exposure to multiple diverse points of view. The problem is that it is extremely difficult to educate someone who is more focused on trying to increase the size of their tiny penis or lie about the size of their penis by also lying about the size of their hands.
UDP, as far as we know, is a form of glaucoma that affects both eyes and the brain, causing the patient to see everyone they find attractive as potential sexual partners and misinterpret common courtesy—such as saying “thank you”—as sexual advances.
Small penis syndrome or an advanced case of the “teenie weenies.”
A team of researchers is currently studying whether other strains of ™ result in different outcomes, like UDP, running for political office when you have no clue what you’re doing, or pulling a dog’s leash too hard in a false display of dominance.
There are temporary measures, like lying to patients about something known as “girth” or “the motion in the ocean,” but the only way to to prevent the spread of the disease is to avoid electing them President of the United States.
Let’s be clear; TM patients do not suffer from UDP. If anything, they enjoy it. They are literally “sick fucks.” The people that suffer from UDP are the ones that receive the pictures. If you are to receive one a picture please contact the police, who will assist in quarantining the TM patient, or the patient’s parents.
If you happen to be afflicted by UDP, the best treatment is exposure to an opposite, positive energy that—while it doesn’t cancel out the consequences of UDP—can make you feel better. This is known as BDE, more commonly known as big dick energy.
BDE is the confidence displayed by those people who are extremely comfortable with themselves, their bodies, and clearly know who they are as people. The confidence—though not limited to penis-bearers—is akin to men with large penises, in that they are not concerned about needing to prove the thunderous nature of their thigh-slapping dongs. Researchers recommend prolonged exposure to this energy regardless of status, but especially once exposed to UDP.
Know that there are positive and negative energies that exist. There is no need for balance as prolonged exposure to consistent positive energy will only ever have a positive impact on your mental health. Beware of apps like Snapchat and disallow DMs from random strangers across social media to lower your risk of exposure to UDP.