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U Up? Even though it’s late, I’ll bet you are, and you’re feeling lonely, aren’t you? Maybe you’re even feeling a little bit saucy, like you want to do some things that your wife just isn’t interested in anymore. You have needs, and we are ready to satisfy them.

Lucky for you, the U Up? Hotline has plenty of hot, young ladies who are waiting for your call.

Go ahead, tell them about your wildest fantasy… baseball trade. That’s right, these barely legal coeds can’t wait to hear about that barely legal trade you pulled off for Fernando Tatis Jr. Our call girls can’t wait to tell you how sexy it is that you are a boss, and compliment your shrewd sense of naughty negotiation tactics.

Maybe baseball isn’t your thing. The U Up? Hotline has girls who can connect on whatever deep level you need. Do you yearn for someone to talk to about your investment portfolio? Someone begging to hear about your recent dalliances in dogecoin and etherium? Our women aren’t just sensuous, but also appreciate your savvy, yet daredevil ways. At the end of day, isn’t it all about companionship?

We know that the thing you yearn for most, the thing that keeps you up at night, is to find that special someone who can listen to you blather on and on about what might happen in season three of Succession. For just a few dollars per minute, we have that perfect somebody who also wonders what Adrian Brody and Alexander Skarsgård’s casting means for the future of Waystar.

The U Up? sweethearts are here to fulfill all your pleasures.

Please, do go on about your homebrew setup. What kind of hops are you using? Of course it needs to take up most of your garage! Why would you diminish the quality of the product for a little more space?

What turns us on is hearing about how your hybrid 4-iron has solved all the problems that your long irons were giving you. And if you need a warm, receptive, special someone who understands how the aerated greens cost you some serious birdie opportunities, don’t hesitate to call.

Perhaps you’ve been sneaking around on your wife, watching episodes of The Crown after she’s gone to bed, and now you have no one to talk to about what’s happening… The U Up? Hotline is the perfect, private solution to your lascivious behaviors.

Singles in your area are waiting to hook up, and hear about the bad beat you had in your online poker game, or whether Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons can work together better in the playoffs, or why we’re all still expected to tip 20 percent on delivery even though the restaurants are all getting bailed out.

Don’t wait any longer. There’s no shame in asking for what you want, even if what you want is someone to tell you eating inside restaurants is totally fine. We’re here 24 hours a day, ready to get down with your weirdest proclivities.

U up? We are.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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