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Horoscopes for humans? That’s practically Pre-Cambrian. Cats rule the internet, and it’s about time astrology caught up. What the stars have in store for the frisky feline in your life.

AriesCat (March 21 – April 19)

AriesCat is fearless and courageous—no windowsill is too narrow or too high to deter his leap. This belief in oneself occasionally borders on stubbornness, like that time he wanted that ball trapped inside a floor outlet with live wires. Conveniently, that also serves as a metaphor for AriesCat’s approach to relationships; he possesses the singular focus passed down from his hunter ancestors in genus Panthera. No matter how dangerous the conditions, AriesCat gets what he wants.

Hashtag: #NeverthelessShePurrsisted

TaurusCat (April 20 – May 20)

Regarding that dog you always wanted… have you considered TaurusCat? Loyal, dependable, and warm, TaurusCat gives new meaning to “Man’s Best Friend.” Get horizontal; you’re about to be nuzzled.

Careful, though. TaurusCat can become territorial, and we’re not talking your average “she sprays sometimes when company is here” but rather full-blown smiling-cat-face-with-heart-eyes emoji turned pouting-cat-face + knife emoji. Just make sure she knows you’re her #1 and you’ll be fine I’m sure…

Hashtag: #TheSnuggleIsReal

GeminiCat (May 21 – June 20)

Having multiple purrsonalities, the life of GeminiCat is one big conundrum. Seemingly always in a state of discontent, he lives to be loved and is always down to Netflix and chill… until he’s not. This guy gets distracted easily and will drop you like a bad habit on a moment’s notice, often making a dramatic and clumsy, yet highly entertaining escape.

Sometimes expect the silent treatment from this little drama queen, but don’t take it personally. GeminiCat just can’t help himselfit’s got to be stressful having a brain filled with racing thoughts, after all. But fear not, before long Chatty Catty will be back for some lovin’ and will try to swoon you with an impressive melody of meows and yelps until he gets what he wants. And what he wants is food. The sooner you realize this is his world and you just live in it, the better.

Hashtag: #CuckooForColdCuts

CancerCat (June 21 – July 22)

He’s creative and resourceful. Maybe a little moody. But the greatest strength of CancerCat is his compassion—PSYCHE! He’s a cat, he DNGAF about you! You want a hug? Too bad. You want to some privacy? He’s barging into the bathroom. Boundaries are one-way street with CancerCat.

Hot tip, Elmyra! Maybe if you just stopped picking him up and kissing those weaponized paws, his affection would sync with your needs for it.

Aww, he’s cooing and showing his belly! He must want to be p- OUCH! That hurt, you little jerk!

Hashtag: #TheGuySheToldYouNotToWorryAbout

LeoCat (July 23 – August 22)

Look at this gorgeous beast! LeoCat the Lion is sexy and he knows it. His confidence is infectious and he bestows it generously. Ruled by the sunbeam he follows around the living room all day, LeoCat radiates positivity and warmth. But he is a demanding little diva. In spite of his affection for others, he always needs to reign as topcat. Comes with the territory when you’re dealing with the king.

Hashtag: #ImFelineMyself

VirgoCat (August 23 – September 22)

With her paws pressed primly, VirgoCat may look like a perfectionist; she’d correct you and suggest adjectives like impeccable, cerebral, or precise. VirgoCat is thorough and industrious, which can read as cold to outsiders. More than anything, VirgoCat tends to be shy. Grant her the space she craves and together you’ll live harmoniously.

Hashtag: #StrivesForPurrfection

LibraCat (September 23 – October 22)

Diplomatic and fair, the scales of justice well-represent LibraCat. She is incredibly balanced, both in terms of demeanor AND when tiptoeing across fences. Occasionally her good judgment can cross over and feel judgmental. Can cats roll their eyes? LibraCat can.

Hashtag: #FairAndBalanced #NoButSeriously

ScorpiCat (October 23 – November 21)

On the plus side, he’s devoted and dynamic. On the negative, ScorpiCat can be insanely jealous, vindictive, suspicious, and manipulative. If you’re saying to yourself, “Isn’t that every cat?” you’ve never felt the fury of a ScorpiCat scorned. But it’s not all bad with this little guy. If you survive his initial intimidation, you will have forged a feline friend for life. No sign is more ride or die than ScorpiCat.

Hashtag: *just a hissing sound*

SagittariCat (November 22 – December 21)

SagittariCat puts the cat in “Catch me if you can”; he is literally everywhere. His spirit of adventure is boundless, both physically and mentally. Highly adaptable and open to new experiences, you’re definitely gonna wanna microchip SagittariCat. Downsides include a short attention span and capacity for disappointment if experiences don’t match up to expectations. Please don’t feed his inner Grumpy Cat.

Hashtag: #CatchFlightsNotFeelings

CapriCat (December 22 – January 19)

Ambitious and goal-oriented, CapriCat is the original #GirlBoss. She’s steady, resourceful, and patient. Far from lazy, CapriCat is the kitty sending emails 6-hours a day (which is a lot for cats, coz you know, sleeping). The flipside of that? CapriCat comes off as tyrannical—after all, who’s on the receiving end of all those❗Fw: Status Of QED Report messages?

Hashtag: #PurrMyPreviousEmail

AquariCat (January 20 – February 18)

AquariCat is a true original. Idealism and creativity color his world, and he has no concern if he’s the only being living in it. AquariCat has vision and it’s inspiring. But because he’s such a dreamer, he may come off as aloof. The freedom to use his imagination is paramount to any relationship AquariCat maintains.

Hashtag: #GetOnMyLevel

PiscesCat (February 19 – March 20)

There must be something in the water! PiscesCat, sign of the fish, appears to have a lot in common with AquariCat, the water bearer. Both are creative, inventive, and prone to pipe dreams. Their core difference, and it’s a fundamental one, is that PiscesCat is less detached than her neighboring sign. She’s also highly adaptable. This makes PiscesCat compassionate and devoted.

Occasionally, PiscesCat can be oversensitive, leading to self-pity, and eventually cynicism. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, let that happen. The world does not need another jaded kitty overlord.

Hashtag: #OneFishTwoFishCatfishBlueFish

 

Former cat skeptic/current hashtag enthusiast Rock Tancredi contributed to this story.

Jillian Conochan

Jillian Conochan is a professional amateur; writing and editing just happen to be two current pursuits. Opinion range: strong to DNGAF.

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