Fellow dinosaurs! Thank you for coming to my New Years Eve party!!! As I address you here, on this seaside cliff with a perfect view of this perfectly clear and unclouded evening sky, let me say this! It has been a rough year. Yes, I hear your screeches of agreement. I know. I could screech about it for 20 minutes. Honestly, at points this year, it must have been hours.
Haven’t we all screeched about 66 million B.C. at least a dozen times a day? “Ugh, that is so 66 million B.C.,” we screech up to the perfect and beautiful sky, the only thing that hasn’t harmed us this year. “What does B.C. even stand for?” we squawk up to the heavens, following each and every blow we’ve had this year. Personally, I’ve heard it stands for “Before Comet,” and that “A.D.” will stand for “After Dinosaurs,” a ludicrous calendrical system which clearly means nothing ominous. How could it?
Also, no, I will not be addressing whatever that light is off in the distance. It’s probably just a friend of the sun’s, here to celebrate the beginning of this new and wonderful year.
Here we come, 65,999,999 B.C.! No, I don’t know why the years function like a countdown timer, but I wouldn’t worry about it! Most countdowns lead to a disaster, like, say, some sort of, I don’t know, impact? But if that’s the case, clearly that’s a long way off! Instead, this must be a countdown to fun!!!
Yes, sorry—if the light from whatever that is in the sky is too bright, please feel free to scoot over. Here, am I blocking it with my head now? Good! I’m sure that’s the last we’ll have to worry about that! Or maybe even the last time we’ll have to worry about anything! Yeahhh, 65,999,999 B.C.!!!!
Many of our heroes and cultural icons turned out to be not just bad guys, but literal predators. Countless dinosaurs have been mowed down at peaceful public gatherings, yet the government has done nothing to legislate sharp teeth.
And to top it all off, The Scaled One become our leader just by screeching the loudest. And yes, I do know that’s how dinosaur government works, it’s just that usually the ones doing the political screeching are at least a little qualified and don’t just threaten to eat people who call them liars. Not that I’m calling him a liar. Obviously. What am I, a guy who wants to get eaten? Ha ha.
Hurricanes, wildfires, and tornadoes! These are things I’m sure that will end in 65,999,999 B.C., and not worsen in 20 minutes as whatever that thing in the sky is makes its deadly and terrifying impact into the sea! From here on in, it’s smooth sailing on calm seas. Massive 1,000 foot tsunami waves caused by a 10 mile-long object crashing into the sea? Ha ha, who are you, one of those scientists The Scaled One ate?
It’s a new year, though, and I’ve got a good feeling about this one! I know I also said that last year, when it was all, “I cannot wait for 66,000,001 to be OVER,” only for us to have roving packs of carnivores tear into us at every turn, but this year I really feel it. I know that our local economy has dwindled over the last couple years due to that drought, and I know it’s harder than ever to find enough leaves to feed your family. This coming year things are going to change. We’re going to turn over a new leaf. Look, here’s a leaf right here! Look at me turning it over! Ehhh? Get it?
I know the leaf spontaneously burst into flames from the immense heat radiating off of whatever that friendly growing light in the sky is, but this can only be a good tiding. It’s a candle in the darkness to help light our way! Ugh, OK, Triceratops, I get it. I know that it’s barely dark out anymore due to how bright that thing is, but it’s just a metaphor. Look at all the remaining foliage nearby, bursting into flames! How helpful! How encouraging!!!
It may be harder than ever get to your start now. The newest generation seems like it hardly hatches before it’s eaten by elderly carnivorous scavengers, who then complain about the egg’s work ethic. But I have hope that 65,999,999 B.C. will be the year that these eggs take the world by storm! Not these eggs near me, though, clearly, because the violent shaking of the earth and atmosphere has split them open and spewed yolk and half-formed embryos everywhere!
Friends! Stay at my party! I’m sure this violent earthquake has nothing to do with that now humongous burning light that hurts my eyes even when I’m looking away from it! I bet this earthquake is just being caused by dinosaurs all over the world celebrating how great 65,999,999 B.C. will be, and moving the earth itself by dancing it up!!!
Fine! Leave! Who cares! Go, screech in fear and dismay instead of screeching in joy and exuberance, as this clearly wonderful omen approaches our lands! I’ll see you all in 65,999,999 B.C., when you can all admit how wrong you were, and how wonderful things are now!!!
MAYBE IT WILL BE A NEW TRADITION IN THE AMAZING UTOPIA AHEAD!!! I’M SORRY FOR SHOUTING, YOU’RE JUST SO FRUSTRATING! ALSO, I CAN BARELY HEAR MYSELF OVER ALL THESE WINDS, THAT EARTH SHATTERING CRACK, AND MY OWN UNCONTAINABLE EXCITEMENT!!! THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM HERE ON IN!!!!!
GOODBYE 66 MILLION B.C., AND HELLO, —