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You never thought it would happen, but it happened! You had sex with someone on the Free Pass List you and your husband/wife/partner wrote out a few months into your relationship!

But now, you’ve got to figure out how to tell your number one lover.

And there’s no better way to let someone you care about very much know you fucked a B List Celebrity than through emojis.

Just use any of the following pre-written text messages to help you humblebrag to your life-partner about how you stuck it deep inside your relationship’s loophole.

Just punched my ticket to Whoopi’s bomb booty.


Babe, Sully got me so wet he had to make another water landing.


Judge Joe Brown came in my eye and I will never forgive him.


What has two thumbs and just scissored the shit out of that surfer chick who lost her leg in a shark attack? This girl!


Fucking Oscar Pistorius was cool, but you can’t smoke in prison and visiting hours go by so fast.


Ain’t no party like a Mariska Hargitay party because a Mariska Hargitay party has aggressive handjobs.


Well, you called it. John McEnroe totally yelled at me for trimming my pubic hair.


Neil DeGrasse-Tyson expanded the universe of my butthole.

Zach Straus

Zach Straus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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