How I “Won” Jury Duty

Jury duty is never convenient, but it is our civic and moral duty. No matter how much work has piled up or how much life is getting in the way or no matter who our president is and no matter how much tax he hasn’t paid or no matter how many other crimes he hasn’t be charged with. Jury duty is STILL important, which is why I entered today’s jury duty with a deep desire to serve the community first and put myself second.

Since I only get this honor every 2 years, I wanted to make SURE I was selected.

My first goal was to ingratiate myself to my fellow pool of potential jurors. I went person to person shaking hands and introducing myself, asking each of them for details about their families and for at least one thing they liked and disliked, scribbling furious notes. I shared ALL SORTS of things with them, personal details about me that may be vital if we were to spend weeks together on a trial.

I prefer blueberry bagels.

I am often the most amazed audience member at a magic trick.

And I think mumblecore rap is lazy. I also clarified that I thought it was the music that was lazy and definitely NOT the rappers.

We waited for our numbers to be called.

The jury lounge had Wi-Fi, which was great because I could research local arrests and try to get ahead on the study materials. I took the time to read up about local gangs and skimmed the police blotter. Just so others knew I was taking my responsibilities seriously, I occasionally remarked, “Interesting, interesting…” and “Can you believe what is happening in the city these days?” while forcing one of my peers to make eye contact.

Hell, I figured if they don’t call my number soon, I MAY solve a few of these open cases before the day is through. I wondered if there was any rule against me solving cases AND being on the jury for them? I just wanted to help.

I asked for permission to use the bathroom, which was apparently not needed, but still let jurors and officials know that I respected rules.

With my newly found freedom, I decided to walk the halls to scout any cases, or meet any of the judges or lawyers. They would certainly remember an ambitious self-starter, in case I crossed paths with them later. Unfortunately, the halls were quiet so I returned to the juror’s lounge after a couple laps.

Right before lunch, my number was finally called!

Perfect timing as I had just finished reading up on the city’s malfeasances. Plus, I really needed that courthouse walkabout to teach me that justice isn’t always the glitz, glamor, and tough talk of Mariska Hargitay and Richard Belzer.

The court official asked us to line up by juror number. To show leadership, I suggested that we try a quick team building exercise where we line up chronologically by birthday, without speaking. The official did not agree, but I am FAIRLY confident she thought it was a good idea and may use it in future jury selections.

We walked into the courtroom, all 40 of us.

It was FINALLY time to get these bad guys behind bars and these good guys back on the streets. Any potential juror who takes the process seriously knows there are only 12 jurors in a jury, and even if you add a couple alternate spots, that means I had to best at least 26 of these other civil servants. I repeated my resume talking points in my head, like an modern day Inigo Montoya. My life’s mission is justice! I wondered how that line would play with the judge during voir dire.

I am not allowed to specifically say what happened inside that courtroom.

The bailiff warned me in no uncertain terms, so I cannot speak in specifics. You wouldn’t be wrong to assume I raised my hand early and often, but I cannot confirm nor deny that. You may be surprised that the judge does NOT actually like to be asked for a deeper biography, no matter how much one explains the importance of understanding the working philosophy of the courtroom. And maybe you would have guessed that the lawyers don’t appreciate notes on their posture, delivery, and aesthetic.

My day was over and I was welcomed to come back in 2 years, or in their words, “Two, sure, or maybe more.” So, I didn’t get to dole out justice, BUT I do have the rest of a sunny afternoon to think about it.