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I am standing here with Daniel Jacobs, star point guard for the Omaha Cornthings, who just hit a buzzer-beating three-pointer to beat the Madison Lacto-whatevers. With tonight’s win, Jacobs completed the Cornthings undefeated year, and set personal bests and league records. Daniel, how did you do it tonight?

It’s an incredible feeling, but I have to give all thanks to God. Without him, none of this would be possible. God stays winning.

Daniel, without you none of this would have been possible! And without you stepping in the way of that tepid pass from the Madison point guard, before the final basket!

Like I said, God was with me all the way. It is through the grace of God that greatness occurs.

Surely though, Daniel, the amount of time you’ve dedicated to your game, at practice, in the weight room, studying film… those things must have helped.

Well, I guess they did, but through God I am faster, stronger, and more prepared for every game day.

But Daniel, you added 25 pounds of muscle in the offseason and your shooting percentages were significantly better. You deserve the credit for your dedication.

When I am dedicated to God, he is dedicated to making me a better basketball player. God gave my frame a better build and God guided more 3-pointers into the basket. Through him all things are better.

Many have suggested, Daniel, that you may be the evolution of a modern day basketball player, with your height and speed, but you ability to play down low or from outside. It seems like no one can stop you these days. What are your thoughts on that?

To suggest that any kind of evolution is real, is offensive to my great redeemer and personal savior, God. Through him and his six day world creation, and only through that, am I able to to do any of this. There is no evolution, only what God wants to happen.

Does that mean you believe that at the beginning of every game, the team who has more players strongly believing in God, will always win?

Jump shot. Bounce pass. Spin move. Crossover. What are these things but stylistic choices we make to show God that we are created in his image. Without those flourishes and personal touches from the Holy one, we would merely run up and down a wood floor, exchanging turns with a leather ball. Everything beautiful and great is God. Every turnover and miss is the manifest of our betrayal of God.

Speaking of betrayal, let’s talk about the injury you overcame…

(interrupting) Through the everloving hands of God.

Yes, through the everloving hands of God. Many are wondering how you could be back on the court so quick after a torn ACL, without the magnificent work of doctors? 

Those doctors were children of God and their work, like mine, was assisted by the divine spirit of his holiness.

Daniel, what about the painkillers? An ACL injury usually takes a season to overcome but you sprung back up after missing only five games. There are a few media outlets reporting that your doctor supplied you with Androl, an anabolic, man-made steroid, that is illegal in most leagues. How do you respond to the reports? 

I have found that there are always people looking to prove their own ideologies about God. If you need to point out details to match your preconceived notion, there is nothing I can do to change your mind.

Does it ever get tiring? The basketball or the piousness?

Through God, I can do anything, forever. Amen.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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