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Welcome to the Donald Trump Presidential Hooters Restaurant and Library! Fun fact: this is the last Hooters in America and it will never have its name changed because that would be disrespectful to the generations of women who fought to have employment opportunities. No one respected women in the workforce like President Trump.

You’ll notice the library portion of the Donald Trump Presidential Hooters Restaurant and Library is still under construction. President Trump cannot find enough books he’d like to display nor enough sexy librarians to pace the aisles. After The Art of the Deal, the publishing industry became a total mess. No matter what the lamestream media tries to tell you, THAT is the real reason Mr. Trump doesn’t read books. Of course, he definitely spent a lot of time with the King James Bible, but mostly because of his fascination with the string bookmark—or what Mr. Trump calls “Jesus’s most tremendous idea“

If this is your first visit, we have a few ground rules to cover.

By entering you have given consent to be walked in on in the women’s bathroom. That’s right, we said women’s bathroom and we stand by it! Protecting your safety from the perverts exploiting gender loopholes is of the utmost importance to us. And speaking of holes in bathrooms, please ignore the muffled sounds you may hear from the low-hanging ducts. It’s probably a pesky racoon.

Since it’s Columbus Day, our wet t-shirt contest will be held every half hour. After serving as president during years where historic monuments and statues were callously destroyed, it is vitally important to honor America’s greatest heroes.

According to our Trump-o-meter, you are clearly not smoking hot, so please head to our non-smoking section. Don’t worry, there are very fine people on both sides. Pull up a barstool at any of our open tables, and feel free to peruse our historical pamphlet of Trump accomplishments, which has the menu on the back. The offerings on neither side will satiate the emptiness you are feeling, but we do recommend the Freedom Onion Soup!

Of course, the Trump Presidential Hooters Restaurant is known for our right wings!

We proudly don’t serve the left and if you have a problem with that you are welcome to cry into our buckets of liberal tears which will be devoured through disposable plastic straws. All straws will be ceremonially left in a dry river bed. Do you remember rivers?

No matter how you like your right wings, make sure you take advantage of our hydroxychloroquine wet naps after the meal. We ordered so many! So please take them home as a gift, courtesy of the most generous president ever.

We have so many options—the best options—that many families have a hard time agreeing on what to get. If this happens to you, we recommend you get The Executive Order, where our cooks decide what you will eat instead of waiting for everyone to weigh the choices and come to a thoughtful decision.

For your little ones, we are pleased to offer our Donald in Training meals, hand-crafted to help your youngins get their BMI’s big and strong every month, just like the job numbers! We need more red, thick blooded Americans who aren’t afraid to eat everything given to them and not apologize for it. America First, and America Second helpings!

Don’t forget to try to win a free dessert by answering some Donald J. Trump trivia. After receiving many suggestions, we’ve made it “True or False” so that even the youngest children or eldest Trump children can win.

Please come back soon! Remember we are closed on Sundays, the holy day when Donald Trump golfs and hopes the USA Network is showing something with nudity.

Josh Bard

Josh Bard is a guy. A sports guy, an ideas guy, a wise guy, a funny guy, a Boston guy, and sometimes THAT guy. Never been a Guy Fieri guy, though.

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