Do you want to know why I am wearing a tuxedo today? By the way that you double-taked at me, I can tell that you do. You can double-take an alien, or a Kate Upton, or a traffic accident, or a long lost friend, but I am none of those things to you.
I get it, it’s not everyday you see a cool joe like me wearing a tuxedo on Lincoln Avenue around noontime. In fact, I am not sure you’ve ever seen a man in a tuxedo during daylight hours. You have absolutely never seen one so relaxed and chill.
Do you want to know why I am wearing a tuxedo today? Do you want to know why I am walking with such swagger today? Do you suppose that maybe one of them is due to the other but you aren’t sure which is which, and we are now in the fanciest “chicken or egg” paradox ever?
Do you wonder if I am overcompensating for something?
Do you wonder if I wear a tuxedo every day?
Do you wonder if I am a famous person that you just don’t recognize?
Do you wonder if I am still out from last night?
Do you wonder if I am just some kind of rube, the kind of idiot that replies to emails about free Viagra?
The answers to those questions are no, yes, no, no, and maybe, but I did not answer them in order. Or did I? You’ll have to figure it out on your own.
Do you want to know why I am wearing a tuxedo today? I’ll bet you you do. But the feeling isn’t mutual. I don’t care why you are wearing a cable knit sweater nor why you’re walking your child on a leash. The only thing I do care about is rocking the shit out of this tuxedo, and we can both see that I am crushing my to do list.
Also, can you tell I picked this block to walk on because it has so many reflective windows and I can check out just how dapper-fucking-dandy I look in each storefront? Yeah, you can tell that. Way to go, Sherlock.
Do you want to know why I am wearing a tuxedo today? Because I am on a secret mission, that’s why. And here’s the kicker: I would tell you if I thought you deserved to know. But I see those socks coming out of those boat shoes and the one and only prerequisite for hearing about my secret mission was NOT wearing those socks with those boat shoes. Maybe you’ll get to read about it in the paper tomorrow. I can tell you still get a newspaper delivered.
My tuxedo and that dumb look on your face have one very specific thing in common. We both are wondering if each other puts it on everyday or only breaks it out for special occasions? Maybe you just pop it on real quick when you see something that challenges your simple conventions.
Do you want to know why I am wearing a tuxedo today? It’s for the same reason I have binaca spray stashed away in an inside pocket. You only miss out on a cocktail party with gameshow prize models one time before you learn the lesson. And that lesson is don’t be underprepared when your big moment comes.
Here’s one free answer. I’m wearing a tuxedo because I own a beautiful tuxedo. Because I go to high class events, sometimes. Am I going to one today? I don’t know yet and neither do you.