Dear Members Of The Vixens Gentlemen’s Club Family,
In these times that try mens’ souls, a little release is always a good thing. And between the financial hardships, quarantine with your families, and existential terror of a pandemic, believe us: We know you’re being tried. That’s why we’re here to tell you that Vixens’ Gentlemen’s Club is here for you when you need us most. Below, you’ll find the several measures we’ve employed to keep you safe from the coronavirus while we put a smile on your face.
Furthermore, the hand stamp we use to mark patrons as having paid the cover will be left to rest in a pool of 70 percent isopropyl alcohol when not in use. If you catch any bouncer not following these protocols, speak to the manager for a free lobster tail.
We’re extremely fortunate to have access to an autoclave machine, kindly donated by a surgeon who is a regular.
In order to keep the environment pathogen-free, all customers will be politely but firmly asked to don a HAZMAT suit and self-contained breathing apparatus. It is our sincerest hope that you will recognize that this is both for your safety and the safety of our dancers, our bartenders, and DJ NuttSack.
Circling back to the aforementioned lobster tail, all of your Vixens kitchen favorites—from our famous tacos al pastor to our sous vide pigs in a blanket—are still available. However, because your HAZMAT suit must stay on inside the Vixens premises at all times, you will only be allowed to eat in the patio area out back, where our dancers like to go on break to smoke cigarettes and casually share terrifying stories of socioeconomic horror while texting their boyfriends.
As the entirety of our sanitation budget went to the ethylene oxide sterilization and HAZMAT suits, we hope you can understand that these chemical toilets will be somewhat spartan in nature, and cleaned only on an ad hoc basis. If you deem our toilets unacceptable for your excretory needs, you are also free to evacuate in the woods behind our parking lot. Please remember to remove your HAZMAT suits beforehand so as to not tear them on any brush you may encounter.
But fear not: The hazmat suits are completely transparent. Based upon a design originally depicted in the pornographic parody film In-And-Outbreak, and later successfully prototyped by Hugh Heffner to be worn by the nurses administering his end-of-life care, we assure you these suits are as sexy as they are safe.
The Roman philosopher Seneca once said, “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” As these difficult times perfect you, it is our sincerest hope that you feel safe to polish your gem with us.