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The Quizmaster

Major Offense: Spamming your feed.
Most Compatible With: The Astrologist or The Catbooker
Least Compatible With: The Politico or The Culture Critic
Why You Hate Them: You can’t help but know their Myers-Briggs type.
Why You Keep Them Around: You want to know what Hogwarts House you’d belong to.

The Actually

Major Offense: Correcting everyone and everything.
Most Compatible With: The Grammarian or The Woke
Least Compatible With: The Fake Newsy or The Micro-Aggressor.
Why You Hate Them: Overuse of Snopes links and the word cisgender.
Why You Keep Them Around: You’re secretly happy to have them on your side, calling out all the people you want to, but don’t.

The Vaguebooker

Major Offense: Phrases like “can’t even,” “adulting,” and “awesomesauce.”
Most Compatible With: The Grief Vulture or The Work Whiner
Least Compatible With: The Intentional Offender or The Blunt Uncle
Why You Hate Them: Their constant, context-less cries for attention.
Why You Keep Them Around: They make you feel so, so, so much better about yourself.

The Vactioneer

Major Offense: Their designer, carry-on humblebrag.
Most Compatible With: The Fitness Model or The Scene Queen
Least Compatible With: The Serious Professional or The Local
Why You Hate Them: OMG WE GET IT YOU OWN A FUCKING GO PRO
Why You Keep Them Around: You’re going to go to Thailand someday. Maybe they have some good tips.

The Parent

Major Offense: Photos. Of. Their. Fucking. Kid.
Most Compatible With: The Like-a-lotta-pus or The Older Relative
Least Compatible With: The Bitter Twitterer or The Independent Woman
Why You Hate Them: Bradley’s fat face and Madison’s strained smile.
Why You Keep Them Around: Pure, unadulterated Stockholm Syndrome.

Zach Straus

Zach Straus peaked at 15 and is mostly held together by masking tape.

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