WASHINGTON (The Prompt)–President Donald Trump decreed that the American hot dog is a sandwich in an early morning tweet that troubled many constitutional scholars.
“Obviously the European Union is jealous that the American Hot Dog is the Best Sandwhich [sic],” the tweet read, followed by a hashtag for his campaign slogan.
“It’s just not right,” law professor Seamus Pinskey told The Prompt. “The President can’t categorize goods and services through a tweet. That’s why we have a Harmonized Tariff Schedule! Tweeting these details is just insane. It puts everything out of harmony!!”
The Founders, in their infinite and unquestioned wisdom, gave Congress the authority to impose tariffs and regulate trade with other countries. Over the past century, Congress, in an effort to show just how lazy they could be, has shifted these powers to the executive branch. U.S. Customs and Border Protection now regulates tariffs through the Harmonized Tariff Schedule of the United States, or HTSUS as it’s lovingly known.
“It’s very strange,” constitutional lawyer Esquire Consequence said. “The president–and Republicans more broadly–have spent their time undermining the equal protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. But to come out now and say ‘a hot dog is a sandwich’ is very frightening to many constitutional jurists. Are calzones now sandwiches, too? What about schwarma? Certainly schwarma does not deserve the equality offered to sandwiches!”
The tweet stoked flames on an already escalating trade war with the European Union (EU). After Trump imposed tariffs on kindness, art, and good humor, the EU responded with tariffs on hot dogs and loud comments on the street.
Stock of Arkansas-based Tyson Foods, makers of popular Ball Park Franks, has suffered record losses since the EU’s announcement, but saw large gains in early trading today on the heels of the news.
“By rebranding hot dogs as sandwiches, the President is hoping to find a middle-ground with our European allies,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters in her first daily press briefing in two months.
Democrats, facing a new opinion from the President, rushed to find a position. Any position. Something that would appease their base and still sound American.
“The President and I agree,” Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) told a bunch of people who he has long stopped shooing off his lawn. “All hot dogs are sandwiches. But this simple fact overlooks the real and pressing issues. Sandwiches are a human right. Too many people in this nation go hungry because the rich choose to horde the sandwiches. We, the wealthiest nation on Earth, do offer sandwiches to our people. We should all be receiving sandwiches whether they are peanut butter and jelly, bologna and swiss, or–yes, I agree with this President–a hot dog.”
Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), meanwhile, issued a memo to their fellow Democrats to “just say no” to the idea of the hot dog being a sandwich. “The idea is just crazy. It really goes to show how bad things have gotten in this country,” the memo stated. The memo further outlined talking points for members to say to media, for example: “Sandwiches don’t have ketchup!”
Meanwhile, other businesses are using the event as an opportunity to sell more hot dogs, a dish that everyone finally agrees is very American. 7-Eleven retweeted an old tweet from 2016 to remind everyone that they’ve always been this patriotic. Their comment on the tweet read “What’s more American than Hot Dogs?”
Subway took the opportunity to announce a new deal. Footlong hotdogs for $5. A company representative would not comment on whether they thought we’d really forget about Jared Fogle.